F.U. To The Rescue!

Hey Bitches!! So I'm all kinds of busy today (translation: I'm tired and I can't) so I didn't really plan on posting today. My alcoholic steez was on high and I passed out and missed most of the Oscars, but I did see the red carpet and I just wanted to say that I thought Viola and Taraji looked great and I'm really proud of them and I just wanted to know why Yonce thought it was OK to wear her mother's window treatments to the show? Anyway, what is more important here is that I got a most interesting request for advice, and that got me motivated just enough to hit up my blogger. F.U., My name is X%^*?$ and a friend I work with reads your blog. One day I was at his cube and saw him reading something in pink letters, and I was like what the hell are you reading kid? And he was telling me that his girl put him on to your blog and you are funny as hell. So I had to check you out. When I was going through your blog just like reading some of your older postings, I came across one of your post about whether or not black women should start looking into dating white men, or the "Something New" like you said. I am a white guy and I have a very serious crush on a beautiful Black woman but she refuses to date me for no other reason than me being white. We hang out a lot, we talk on the phone, and we have fun together. I have tried to express my feelings to her without making it seem like I'm a punk, and she just kind of laughs it off and she says that she sees me as her friend and she isn't attracted to white men. You mentioned white people not having lips, so I recently asked her if it was because I don't have lips and she just laughed at me. I just want to know if you think I should just move on or if you think that I can eventually get her to see that color doesn't matter and if we like each other then we should just go for it and see how it goes. Dear White Boy, I think it is very cool that you support the YISIAW movement and decided to reach out and get some help with your situation. And here is what I think. First, the Something New post you are referring to I wrote a while ago and I did say that white people don't have lips, but obviously that isn't always true...Angelina has lips and so does her baby Shiloh. And if your friend laughed at you when you asked her, maybe you are part of the large few that don't. But the point of the post was to ask if Black women should start dippin in that vanilla yogurt. And I am now of the thinking that you should be open to what you like. With that said, if she doesn't date white guys, then she has a preference and that is just that. On the other hand, there could be a few reasons this chic doesn't like you and she could be telling you that it is just because she doesn't date white men instead of saying, that you're fug. Like if she was gonna date a white guy, and she normally doesn't, then you prolly got to be one hot ass white guy and that just may not be you. Also, maybe she really does just see you as a friend. Some guys just fall into the friend role really well and we don't want to fuck that up. Like once you cross the friendship line it can be hard to come back to that. Maybe she values your friendship way too much. I say back off, stop being so pressed and if she decides to change her mind, then she knows where to find you. Maybe start trying to like women who like you back, no matter what color you are.

F.U. To The Rescue!

I love that you seek my help. Seriously. What's good F.U.! I thought it would be fun just to ask you what you would do. Long story short, I have a friend who has horrible acne. Proactiv don't know what to do with her acne. People actually stare at her in disgust almost. I've known her for a long time, and as long as I've known her she had acne and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Anyway, I've made new friends who are just as pretty as me and when we go out without my acne friend we get numbers, we get drinks, we have fun. When I go out with her, my other friends don't want to go and let's just say I don't have any fun. What's crazy is that her body is dope and she has really pretty hair and her sense of fashion is sick. She works on everything that she has control over. It's just her face. She doesn't really talk about it, but I know she is sad that she can't get a man and that people talk about her. It's not fair. Would you keep hanging out with her? Peace, Connect the Dots Dear Connect the Dots, I'm gigglin at your name. I love the pun. You can connect the acne dots on her face and you need to connect the dots to come to a conclusion about your friendship. Brilliant. Anyhoooo, I would keep hanging out with her, I would just hang out with her at the movies or in the crib. You know, dark places where the goal isn't to be seen. And since she is well aware of her facial grossness, then she'll understand. But here is what I want to know. Has she tried EVERYTHING? I mean has she called Dr. Zizmor? I don't know where you live, but in NYC we have Dr. Zizmor and if you believe his commercials, dude can work miracles! Like he can put a hurtin on a pepperoni face! You mentioned ProActiv, and clearly she's tried that, but maybe she needs something you need a pharmacist for. Like she might need a scrption for that extra greasy shit. And it may also be her diet. She needs to look into a holistic approach as well. Sometimes acne can be an allergic reaction to something you have no idea you are allergic to. It could be something she is eating or putting on her skin. Her problem sounds internal. A pimple here or there is fine, but if her face is covered and it isn't clearing up at all, then I recommend Donkey Milk and Steroids aka very serious medical attention...not just some shit you can order off an infomercial. I don't think you should stop being friends with someone who would change her situation in a heartbeat if she could. I mean, it fucks your shit up obviously. I can imagine a dude rollin up on her from behind and then when she turns around he pretends he was tryna get by her to talk to somebody who isn't even there. AHAHAHAHAHA! And I bet dudes can't even see you cuz after getting a look at her oily ass white and black head saturated face, they can't even look in your direction anymore. Fuglies roll together, you know. They see one fug, you all fug. So you may as well got acne too. But there are so many other places you can go where you can have fun and it isn't about tryna get drinks, and meetin guys and stuff. And who knows....maybe her situation will eventually get better. Even tho if the bumps do clear up, you know she is gonna have all kinds of marks and scars and shit. Ewwww! Just be happy it ain't you bitch, mkay? F.U.

F.U. To The Rescue!

Seriously, imagine my delight when I learned that one of you bitches out there FINALLY needed my help! I mean, its been a long damn minute since F.U. done had to come to da rescue, so I actually feel a bit out of practice. The last time I gave somebody advice was this mornin in the train when I told the bitch next to me that deodorant works. Anyway, let's find out what da problem is, shall we? Dear F.U., If you actually put this email on your blog please don't say my name. The drama that is going on in my world right now is about two of my friends who both read your blog daily or as you would say, er'day. I consider them both my best friends, but one I grew up with so she is really like my sister and the other I met in college and we've been friends ever since. My sister best friend is sleeping with my college best friend's boyfriend. I only know about it because one night I was out with my college best friend and she was telling me how her boyfriend was gonna be gone for the weekend and that particular night my sister best friend had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't come out for drinks with us. I didn't think anything of it but then later that night, I drove past her house just to see if she would be home and her car was there but she wasn't answering the door or her phone. Then I drive further down the block and I see my college friend's boyfriend's car. And I just knew. So I asked her about it. She didn't deny it at all. She said she loves him. She was like college friend is my friend not hers. I was like how could you say that? We all hang out all the time! She was like we do and she's cool but she doesn't have any loyalty to her plus the Jackass (college friend's boyfriend) is about to break-up with her but wants to wait until after Christmas because he and college friend already got plane tickets to see his family. Sister friend said she doesn't care if I tell college friend or not because she's gonna find out anyway once her and Jackass make it official. WTF do I do?! I love both of them. My sister friend has never done anything like this before. Dating someone who is in a relationship and falling in love with him is something that we talk about other females for being triflin for. And then she not only does that but with someone she knows and someone I consider a best friend! Sister friend says that I was her friend first and that no matter what choices she makes, I should love her anyway. When college friend finds out she is going to lose her mind. She loves that jackass so much. This is dude she wants to marry and have a family with. And we all live in the same area so it is not like if sister friend and Jackass really have a relationship that it won't be thrown in her face all the time. I feel like I owe to college friend to tell her so that at least the Jackass loses his money on the plane tickets and she doesn't have to go and spend Christmas with someone who is a liar and beyond disrespectful. I don't want to lose either one of my friends but obviously trying to be friends with both of them is going to be so hard and I don't have the time or the energy to deal with such drama. I just want to know what you think I should do. Help. Dear Anonymous, Is this from an episode of Degrassi High? I think I saw this one. The girls decided that the guy was a loser and Salli took all her stuff out of his locker and the girls stayed BFFs forever. Sigh....Why isn't your question how to get rid of dandruff?! That I can help you with, boo! Mkay, let's get serious here. So, wow. WWFUD? (Read: What Would F.U. Do?) I honestly don't know what I would do but I'm trying really hard to put myself in your shoes. Two best friends, in a relationship with the same guy, and the one best friend really doesn't give a shit about the other friend. It sounds to me like you have to tell your college friend. She is obviously the one in the dark here and the one who thinks that the sister friend is her friend too. As her friend, if you saw her man with some skank you didn't know you would tell her, so I think it is even more important that you tell her that the skank he is with is one of your best friends. Yes, she will be angry and she may even want to go beat up your sister friend (and I hope she does) but at least she will know the truth and she can figure out a way to get over it and move on. Easier said than done, but what else can she do. As for your sister friend, on the one hand she is right in that as her best friend forever you should love her no matter what but on the other, she has just shown her ass on whole notha level. No she isn't fuckin your man, but he might be next! Lord knows that if the Jackass guy would cheat on his girlfriend with somebody she knows and still want to take her home for Christmas, he ain't shit and won't never be shit and he'll be cheating on the sister friend too! You could try to explain to her that she's better than this guy (they both are) but you know you can't tell nobody shit. She has to get her heartbroke a few times and get pregnant and then he leaves her for her to realize what a mess she is and what a loser he is. So let her. And then, it sounds like, at least right about now, she doesn't give a shit about anybody but herself and it would be just a matter of time before she somehow did something to stab you in the back. I mean it sounds like you say this is completely out of character for her, so maybe she wouldn't, but I think her current behavior shows that it is highly possible. AND what would you talk to her about? How Jackass is doing the same things for her that he did for college friend? Gross. AND how low is her self esteem that she would actually think it is OK to be with this guy and wait for him to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and then wait for him to break-up with her? UGH! She's a heffin sorry ass ho! Then again, how do you stop being friends with somebody who you've known your whole life because she's doing something to hurt somebody she doesn't really feel any loyalty to. She's a sorry ho, but that sorry ho is your friend. Oh damn you Anonymous! I don't know! The real fact of the matter is that this is not your battle. You have been a great friend to both of them. You love them both. You should tell college friend what is going on and let her handle it. Should you continue to be friends with sister friend, well then you can't invite them both to the sleepovers anymore. You'll have to pick and choose who you feel like going out to drinks with. And since college friend is bout to be single - whom I can guarantee will be tellin Jackass if he liked it he shoulda put a ring on it - and sister friend is about to be 'booed up', you and college friend will prolly be spending way more time together. Not to mention, college friend is going to need you now more than ever. There is nothing like a best friend to help you through your heartache. And something tells me that as what happens with many friendships, eventually you and sister friend are going to realize that you have grown up and grown apart. These are the experiences that help you make room for those that deserve a place in your life. That's all. I know I didn't help but dammit I tried. Let me know what happens. Please tell me that college friend bust some windows. F.U. If you have any further advice for Anonymous or any thoughts, please feel free to share. UPDATE: My girl iluv left a comment saying that both friends read this blog er'day so they will know whether or not Anonymous tells either of them. And you know what, DUH! Thanks for pointin that out iluv, cuz I totally zsugshed over that part because you know, of course they read the blog everyday, who doesn't? AND I was so wrapped up in really trying to help that I think Anonymous 'used' me to tell her friends for her. I mean, obviously she's still going to have to deal with the drama of this hot mess of a situation BUT I get it now..... So listen sister friend, you really are a skeezin ass ho and I just want you to imagine what it is going to be like when this shit happens to you. Cuz it will. And seriously, I want you to dig real deep and figure out why you would want to be with someone who could cheat and disrespect someone you know. You deserve to get your ass beat but it won't help. Keep readin the blog. You may learn something. College friend, he's a loser and you are better off without him. I know you are going to be LIVID and hurt like you would never believe you could be hurt but the great part is that the hurt eventually goes away. I personally hope you rip dat bitch's wig off and beat the shit out of the Jackass's car, however, they will get what is due. In the mean time, your friend Anonymous is on your team, and this is happening to make room for the real friends and the true love that is on his way. And keep reading the blog. Luh u, bye.

Brown Teefus Are A No-No

Mkay, er'body knows that Amy Wino is the crack head of all crack heads and she has all kind of diseases, ailments, and shit on her face. Fine. What I want to know is, why come Amy can't still brush her teef? Yes, I said teef. Teef aren't teeth. People with teeth actually take care of their teeth. They actually brush, floss, and maybe even swig some mouth wash er'now and then. When you have teefus, you choose to allow plaque to build up, you allow food and gunk to remain in the cracks, and not only does your mouf just look like your breath smells like rotten sewer cabbage - it actually does. Amy Wino's two front teef are now brown. I have a problem with that. I don't mind the crack...sniff it smoke it, lick it...do what you will Amy, however, the least you could do is choose not to walk around with brown teef. I would like to set up a dental intervention for Amy and those of you who think it is OK to walk around with dark yellow/brown teef. It is unacceptable and just not right. There is help out there for you. I've gone over this on my radio show, The F.U. Hour: Back & Ready To Zsugsh but I'm goin to re-zsugsh and remind us all that if you have gotten to the point where brushing alone no longer helps, save your duckets and invest in some whitening paste and/or kits. There are also some home and natural remedies you can try. Strawberries and Baking Soda: You need:1 ripe strawberry 1/2 teaspoon baking soda Directions: Crush the strawberry to a pulp, then mix with the baking soda until blended. Use a soft toothbrush to spread the mixture onto your teeth. Leave on for 5 minutes, then brush thoroughly with toothpaste to remove the berry–baking soda mix. Rinse. (A little floss will help get rid of any strawberry seeds.) Apply once a week. A yummy tasting toofus whitening. It gets no better and you have no excuse. This has been a Brown Teefus Are A No-No PSA By F.U. Wit Luh....kinda Source

F.U. To The Rescue!

Hey F.U.! Just one question, what is "Audrina Eyes"? Keep doin what you do! In your words, me likey! Peace, Lu What's good Lu! Mkay, Audrina Eyes. Well first let me tell you that Audrina is one of the girls on the MTV show The Hills. Most people have eyes that are pretty much centered. You can make them go from side to side or roll them or whatever. Most people have a spirit behind their eyes and can show expression through their eyes. Audrina's eyes are permanently lookin up to the sky. She could be smiling but her eyes are still lookin at you like she's over it or she doesn't understand. So, when I say "Audrina Eyes" its just another way of sayin Womp Womp or I'm bored or no one gives a shit. Audrina gives crickets with her eyes everyday. See...even her side eye is a dead eye. I recommend you catch just one episode of The Hills this season. It is way more serious in 'real life'. Especially when LC is telling her something that she clearly doesn't want to hear....the Audrina Eyes are out of control.

F.U. To The Rescue!

Hey there, hi there. So um, I got a question from a reader who isn't asking to be rescued but actually just has a regula shchmegula question. Here we go. Hey F.U. I wanted to know where you went on vacation. I'm looking for a place to go in the next couple of months and I'm sure you went somewhere that was fabulous. Do you have any ideas? Thanks! Mya - D.C. P.S. Me and my sister LOVE your SYTYCD re-caps and agree with everything you say! It seems like we watch the show sometimes just to see what you are going to say about it. Thanks for entertaining us daily! Hey Mya! So here is the thing....I'm not going to disclose my vacay location as the paparazzi will be afta me. I mean, I am F.U. and all. BUT I will tell you this, my favorite vacation locale is any place that has a beach, liquor, water activities and is hot as hell. So I recommend any island in the Caribbean. Well maybe not any island, but I hear St. Lucia is the place to be right about now, and I can personally tell you that I love Antigua, Jamaica, and St. Maarten. I also don't know how old you are or who you plan on traveling with but the islands are good for any kind of vacay. Romantical, rest & relaxation, or an intoxicated week or two of fun times with your bitches gettin wiped down by the island men looking for a green card. Mexico is always a good place to go and just get away. I had the BEST time in Puerto Vallarta and who doesn't love Cancun?! Maybe you can even keep it localish. Miami is always a winner. The Hamptons are fabulous (but you need to know where dem dollas at) and doesn't South Carolina have some kind of fun beach? I would love to tell you to go to Europe - specifically St. Tropez or one of those Grecian islands or Spain - but the dollar is now worth jack shit in Europe. $1,000 in American dollars is only equal to $629.03 in the Euro OR $1,000 Euros is equal to $1,589.75 American dollars. Isn't that some shit???? Despite how shitty it is, it means that unless you are really sittin on some stacks, going to Europe right now is not a good look. And actually, its not just Europe. The USD equals nothing in Brazil, Canada, etc. But to take it back to Mexico, we still got some pull over there. $1,000 USD is equalivilent to $10,289.55 Mexico pesos. So Arrrrribbbbbbbbbbaaaaa!!! Mexico sounds like where you might want to be. Let me know where you end up going. I want pics of you doin body shots, toungin down Jose, and smackin Guadalupe's ass mkay? F.U. P.S. You are lucky you don't have to watch SYTYCD with me. Not only do I talk during the whole show but I attempt to do the routines....its a problem.

F.U. To The Rescue!

OK, it's been a minute since I've had to rescue somebody. The last chic who asked me for advice almost got rescued but then I thought about it. I was annoyed at her question, her self-inflicted situation and realized that I would prolly waste 5 paragraphs of my life setting her straight and/or cussin that silly bitch out. Some people can't be helped, don't want to be helped, and already know they are assholes but want some sort of validation that it is OK for them to be assholes. And at the time I got her email, I just wasn't in the mood for the bullshit. Not to mention, F.U. is not a doctor, and while I absolutely love telling people what I think they should do, some people have real issues and should seek real help. I did tell her real quickly to get a life, tho. Anyway....so I did get an email requesting my advice from a nice young lady who seems to be genuinely torn and not really sure what to do. So, let's get to it. Hey F.U., Please don't be 'stank' with me. I absolutely don't dish attitude because I can't take it. I wanted to ask you what you think about this current predicament I'm in. OK, there is this guy that I used to work with. While at work, we were very friendly. He is an extremely nice guy. Literally that guy that will give you the shirt of his back if you needed it or the guy you could call at 2 in the morning to come get you because you are stranded somewhere. Anyway, he left the company and we talk even more now that we don't work together. I am really starting to have feelings for him. The only problem is that, and I feel so bad about this, is that he is fat. F.U. his breast are bigger than mine. He does have a cute face and I know if he lost the weight he would be so handsome. Since we became friends, I've tried to give subtle hints. Like I would bring in fruit and be like, I don't want this apple, do you want it? And he would take the apple and eat it but then right after that eat a snickers bar. Or I would say, I'm going for a walk at lunch, do you want to come. And most times he would say no, although I know he wanted to come just to spend the time with me. When I would get back he would say, I wanted to come with you but Mr. so and so gave me this project I had to work on. I knew it was all bull and it was just because he just wasn't about to do any exercise. And that is a big turn off. Lately he has been more expressive to me about his feelings and I want to tell him that I would like to be with him but I feel so shallow because I also want to tell him that he needs to lose weight. I'm 30 years old and am tired of the dating scene and really feel like he could be someone I could marry. How do you suggest I go about doing this without hurting his feelings or having him feel like I don't really like him because I can't accept him for who he is? Thank you, GiGi Dear GiGi, I'm not going to be stank. I will, however, be very honest with you as per always. I personally am not dealin with nobody whose cup size is bigger than mine. It's just not happening. I don't care how nice you are. Everything for ME starts on physically level. HOWEVER, there are exceptions to this rule. Here is the thing. I was in a relationship, one that turned extremely serious, with someone who wasn't at all my ideal man physically. I mean, I didn't even really notice him until we had to do this project together. And while getting to know him, I saw that he was such a sweet, caring, and nice man. And for a long time it was great. I knew that he woke up everyday amazed and thanking God that he had managed to snag himself this hot piece who was way beyond anything he could have ever imagined for himself. And I, just knew that I would be loved unconditionally forever. Only problem was....later on, I realized that that wasn't enough for me and I didn't love him as much as I thought I did. I was in love with the idea of him. And truth be told, I knew I deserved better than him, I deserved the whole package, and I knew that I had settled. But I was young and dumb but very thankful for the experience. So here is what I suggest. If you really, really, really like this man and not just the idea of this man then I would tell him how you feel. I would tell him what you like about him and what you don't. You can tell him that while it may seem like you are being shallow or even rude, his health and your need for physical attraction are very important to you. Ultimately, it will be up to him to decide that you are worth him eating cabbage soup everyday and getting his fat ass on a treadmill for 30 minutes a day. Something tells me that you are probably worth that effort. He has probably been waiting for just this kind of kick in the behind to finally do something about his weight. And what better reason? You also have to be willing to work with him and know that his weight loss won't be something that happens over night. He may also have mental issues behind his eating, so you that is something that he may also need to work and need your support with. So if you decide that you are going to be with him, you have to be with him. This may mean bumpin titties. And who knows? You may even like it. With the fatties, I'm guessing its all about you riding and letting him hit that from back. Now that I think about it, other than the belly jelly on your back, it sounds like fun times to me! So before you do anything, take some time to think about it. Keep talking to him. But always, always, be honest. Let me know how things work out. And I swear, if you end up getting married and having kids and he loses a hundred pounds, I better get an invite to the wedding, I better get to cut the cord for the first kid, and I want a Christmas gift each year. I'm kidding!!! F.U. P.S. Here are some women who have fat ass husband's and just don't give a fluff!

April is STD Awareness Month....In Case You Didn't Know

So one of my loyal readers, Adia, (heeeeey boo!) left a comment addressing the most recent F.U. To The Rescue in which another loyal reader was seeking help for a friend who has fungal eye (or something like that) due to being repeatedly shot in the eye with cum after having sex with her boyfriend. She thinks her friend is being sexually abused, and while I thought maybe that could be the case, I pretty much summed it up to both parties being nasty and in need of help. Adia pointed out that the young lady should be made aware that he could be infecting her with sexually transmitted diseases via her eye. Like, even tho I suggested she wear a bedazzled eye patch, I bet she can't wear that to block the cum during their sessions. So first, I want to thank Adia for her thoughtful comment and bringing a new level of seriousness to the situation. And two, Help Me Help Her, I know you mentioned that your friend said she had been to the doctor but I think you should stress to her that he could be doing more than just irritating her eye. There is such a thing as Ocular Herpes (Eye Herpes)...Caused by the type 1 herpes simplex virus, eye herpes (ocular herpes) is a common, recurrent viral infection affecting the eyes. This type of herpes virus can cause inflammation and scarring of the cornea that sometimes is referred to as a cold sore on the eye. Herpes of the eye can be transmitted through close contact with an infected person whose virus is active. An estimated 400,000 Americans have experienced some form of ocular herpes, with close to 50,000 new and recurring cases occurring each year. Forms of Eye Herpes Ranging from a simple infection to a condition that can possibly cause blindness, there are several forms of eye herpes: Herpes keratitis is the most common form of eye herpes and is a viral corneal infection. Ocular herpes in this form generally affects only the top layer, or the epithelium, of the cornea, and usually heals without scarring. Stromal keratitis occurs when the infection goes deeper into the layers of the cornea. This can lead to scarring, loss of vision and, occasionally, blindness. Stromal keratitis is thought to be caused by a late immune response to the original infection. Although the condition is rare, the National Eye Institute reports that stromal keratitis is the leading cause of corneal scarring that subsequently causes blindness in the United States. Iridocyclitis is serious form of eye herpes where the iris and surrounding tissues inside the eye become inflamed, causing severe sensitivity to light, blurred vision, pain and redness. Iridocyclitis is a type of uveitis that affects the more anterior portions of the inside of the eye. The herpes virus can affect the more posterior or deeper tissues in the eye. When this infection occurs in the retina or the inside lining of the back of the eye, it is known as herpes retinitis. As we all know, as great as sex can be, it can also be life altering and life threatening if you aren't safe and smart with the choices you make based on partners and whether or not you protect yourself. We are all grown and should act accordingly. You know what you need to do...please, please think wisely and think about the repercussions of your actions or your non-actions. And for those youngins who read this blog and whose brain cortex has yet to develop to the point of being able to determine how to make good decisions, please make it your business to educate yourself. While you are on your myspace page, spend some time over at plannedparenthood.org or teenwire.com. You can make the choice to enjoy yourself while being responsible. Those who don't like it, don't get none. And while it should be as simple as that, it never is unless YOU decide that you are better and more important than someone who doesn't care enough about you and is willing to jeopardize your health. For more information on STDs and for questions about sex and relationships, I mean you can ask me cuz you know F.U. is here for you, but try to Google it first.

F.U. To The Rescue!

So I'm checkin my email, killin a purple bag of Skittles, when I come across an email titled: "Eye Cum"....so I'm thinking hello, why the fluff isn't my SPAM filter on?! But the name attached to this email wasn't from Dxxhyei877466, the name actually looked real, and well, what's a lil eye cum? Let's just say, I might sue this bitch for making me almost choke to death on my damn skittles! Dear F.U., Hey girl, you are a girl right? Sometimes you be talking about your girlfriends, I think you just added Eva to your rotation, but then you talk about men too. Anyway, I read your blog everyday and I thought maybe you can help me give my friend some advice. So, my friend who is actually also my co-worker, has been coming to work the last few months with a sever case of pink eye. At first, I was like, stay away from me, you need to see a doctor about that because I know pinkeye is contagious. So she was like it isn't pink eye, so I'm like well what is it then because your shit is fucked up? She was like I don't know. So a few weeks pass and her eye is still pink but now it has like crusty stuff on it and kinda of swollen. Even our boss asked her did she have a medical condition. She kept telling everyone that she saw a doctor and that she was fine. So one day we are having lunch and all I can do is stare at her eye. She was like can you stop staring at me? So I'm like well I would but how I am supposed to eat my lunch when it look like you got bacterial fungi drippin out your eye?! She was like it isn't fungi or bacteria, it's cum. I asked her to repeat herself because I thought I didn't hear correctly. F.U. listen to this shit. She said that since she's been dating her new boyfriend they have sex all the time but every time he is ready to bust a nut he has to nut in her eye. So her eye is now infected from repeated cum shots in her eye. What the hell do you say to that? So I asked her if she liked it. She says no but everything else about him is wonderful and she doesn't want this to be the reason they break up. She said that she has asked him why he has to do that and if he will stop and he says it is what he likes and it isn't that big of a deal. She says he always wipes her face and eye off when they are finished. I was like well clearly he ain't wiping it all up because you got cum infecting your eye. Isn't this like sexual abuse or something? Help me Help her Dear Help me Help her, I am still choking on my damn skittles! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to say to this. Wait, you said "bacterial fungi drippin from your eye" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, this has to be a joke. This cannot be true. No bitch is going to allow some man to just bust in her eye regularly. Now I know guys like to bust on the face every now and then and some may accidentally squirt a tear duct but come on now, this is a bit much. If this is true, then your friend's boyfriend clearly has a fetish that she is clearly allergic to (although I'm sure we all are allergic to eye cum) and/or is just too desperate to have a man (even one that has her walking around with bacterial fungi drippin out of her eye) to tell him to stop doing that shit. My question is, does he not see her eye?! If her eye looks the way you described, I would think he wouldn't want to be fuckin anybody that has a wonky infected eye looking like Sloth from the Goonies! Not to mention, if it is clear that she is having some kind of reaction to his 'fetish', I would think if he cared about her that would be enough for him to stop. Seriously, if she is dumb enough to get squirted in the eyeball and allow this man to continue to do this, then you can't help her. And yes, maybe this is some kind of sexual abuse but it sounds more to me like they are just nasty ass idiots. But maybe you might want to ask her if she thinks she may need help to find out why she would allow this to happen to her. Maybe she might want to ask him if he thinks he needs help to find out why he can't get off unless he gets off in a cornea. I just hope bitch got a serious stash of eye antibiotic and she might want to invest in an eye patch. Maybe with some glitter on it to jazz it up. Or diamond encrusted. I think Slick Rick had one like that. That's all. F.U. P.S. I might be a pregnant man/woman like Thomas the pregnant man/woman except my wife is way hotter than Thomas'.

F.U. To The Rescue!

OK so I get an email from this chic asking for help because she's in love with her boss. I was hoping to read something all juicy and exciting and be shaking my head while waiting for her to get to the part where he throws her on the desk and waxes that ass....but um nope....and since I feel it is my duty to help as many as I can...read on. Dear F.U., I'm 26 years old, single, and an Executive Assistant to the most attractive and of course, happily married, successful man. I love working for him because he is pretty much like the best boss I've ever had. As long as his travel is booked, he gets his lunch, and I screen his calls properly, I'm like his best assistant ever. He winks at me and rubs my shoulder when he appreciates something I've done and I feel like he is happy when we have to stay late and work into the night. I spend my days reading your blog for my daily giggle session and I fantasize about him. I pray every day that he will leave his wife and tell me that he loves me. It sounds so dramatic and pointless but I can't help it. I love him so much. If I could have any man in the world it would be him. It is becoming somewhat of a problem because now when he speaks to me, I don't hear anything he says. I have become very unfocused and I am literally staring at him thinking why don't you just rip my clothes off already?! I wear very professional but very cute outfits everyday, I spray on the smell goods, and I swing my hair for him any chance I get. I love him and I think he loves me and I want to tell him but I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job. I know he is married (but his wife isn't even cute), I know he is unavailable, I know he is my boss and the whole situation is unethical but I don't know what to do? Help! Thank you, Loving My Boss Dear Loving My Boss, I was sooooo hoping you were going to tell me you were in some torrid love affair with this man. All you getting is some back pats and smiles. Sigh....Girl what in da hell do you want me to say to you? You already know the basics. In your own words: "I know he is married, I know he is unavailable, I know he is my boss and the whole situation is unethical but I don't know what to do?" You don't do anything except get your shit together and do your job. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the older, successful, hot man thing....and yes, he prolly does give you an extra pat on the back and praises you with a wink and smile but I guarantee that you are reading so much more into his actions because you are all obsessed with him. And I bet he can tell by how you look at him and talk to him that you are into him and if he hasn't tried to hit that yet, then it could be because you aren't that hot and it isn't worth his job or his marriage or because he isn't into cheating on his wife. And yeah you say his wife isn't cute but he thinks she is....you even said he was "happily married". And truthfully, if you were really bout it, you would see if he would be willing to actually rip your clothes off. If you want him that bad, maybe it is worth risking your job over but I think you are more afraid to find out that you are a crazy bitch and this man just wants you to type his memos than you are to lose your job. And since you've set your man ambitions so low that if you could have any man in the world, it would be him (Not even Idris?!) then I say go for the gold. Only problem is, it sounds to me like you might be a little Girl Interrupted/Fatal Attraction. Like you would be that bitch to get all caught up with this man, even though you know you are just his lunch time sideline ho, and then be the one to call his wife and hang up on her all day, show up at his hotels when he is away on business, and then try to kidnap the kids and boil the baby's rabbit. Oh goodness...did I just give you some ideas? Point is, if you are really serious and you didn't just write me because you are bored, I really want you to understand that it is ok to do a lil fantasizing about someone you can't have....but in your case, your boss is just very friendly and doesn't have any trouble letting you know you've done a great job. Nothing more. So how about you get your bitches together and go out somewhere and meet someone who is actually into you. I bet if you meet someone else you will be distracted from obsessing over your boss and you might actually get to keep your job. F.U. P.S. I know as soon as you finish reading this you are going to go and get him his coffee and put your ass in his face and swing your hair as you put his files on his desk. You don't really want any help. You just wanted somebody to tell who doesn't know you and can't really judge you. So if you are really ready to get your knee pads out, then just do it already. And let us just hope that you have at least 3 months of expenses saved up because I believe unemployment only pays like a third of your salary.

F.U. To The Rescue!

It's that time again. Someone has called upon me to help them out of baby mama hell. Let's get to it, shall we. Dear F.U., I have been reading your blog for a while, and read your advice section, and I like your style of advice giving. My question revolves around some baby momma drama. I have been with my man for a little over three years. We are blissfully happy, there are no questions about that. He and his baby momma have been broken up for over two years before we got together. But F.U., I am ready to beat this bitches ass. I am sick and damn tired of this bitch constantly trying to get back with my man. She has been begging for THREE years, to take her back, via text message and in person, saying things like would you take me back for our son's sake. He lets her know that I have his heart and that they are done and there only relationship has to do with the child, which is why she tells her son to let me know she does not like me and tries to fight me when she see me. Right now, she lives 5 hours away, but this summer she and her husband (yes that is right she is married and has another child) are moving up her about 20 minutes away. How do I handle this? I have no issue with my man, I believe him when he says he is done. My problem is with the constant disrepect from this girl (she does not deserve to be called a lady). Do I refrain from doing anything and let my man handle it or attack like a momma pit bull? Sincerely, Ready to kick that bitches ass in Texas Dear Ready, I feel your pain boo. Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?! She sounds like she is deserving of a round kick to her left temple. BUT before you slap a ho, I just want you to breathe and really think about it. This bitch is a fuckin loser. She sees that you are incredibly happy with a man that she obviously couldn't keep and her insecurities are suffocating her. So the only thing she knows to do is beg and plead and send messages via her son...and she's been doing this shit for THREE YEARS. She is a jackass of all proportions (a very persistent jackass) and if I were you, I would just laugh at her. I would take pictures of you, your man and her son and send them back in the boy's book bag. And when she sees ya'll cheesin, huggin and kissin with the thumbs up sign in every pic that is going to cause her to lose it! I don't even know ya'll and I'm lauging at the thought of that. HA! What I want to know is....does her husband know that she is still trying to get back with your man? Like where the hell is he in all this? Like WTF?! She obviously married this guy for every other reason except that she loves him. And she prolly convinced him to move closer...you know so that the son could be closer to his father. But really, this bitch has a plan. She is indeed moving closer so that she can move in on your situation. She prolly thinks that the stress from her harassing the both of you will cause you to give up and break up with him. Don't give her that! If you and your man have the wonderful relationship that you say you do, then forget this raggedy heffa. And if you trust that he is totally turned off by her advances then trust and believe, if you both ignore her, she'll go away. I know that seems ridiculous since its been three years, but it seems like she has been harassing ya’ll for three years because she knows that she can and although it hasn’t gotten her the man, she gets something from it. The bitch is crazy. You need to tell your man to simply erase her text messages. I would tell him not even to read them but it could be something important about the son. When she calls, he needs to say is this about my son? If she says yes, then let her say what she is going to say and then hang up. I mean after three years of trying to get back with him, he shouldn't have but two words for her anyway. Now I will say this....since she is moving closer to you, you may very well come in contact with her. If she is blatantly disrespectful to your face then I say go get her tiger! If it comes down to a face to face and she loses her mind, then you lose yours, and beat that bitch like she stole something....but make sure its on your property so that she can't get you arrested. But if she isn't bout it like that, then you keep your Claire Huxtable on and show her that you are a grown ass woman and don't have time for her silly, young ass shenanigans. She has what you want boo....smile and nod at that bitch....but keep your switch blade in your pocket at all times. Let me know how it all works out. Now go and have your man sweat your perm out...and then make sure he pays for the touch up. F.U.

F.U. To The Rescue....Just In Time For The Holidays

So it is Christmas Eve and it is the first day I've been able to just sit and do nothing in about four days....so I decided to check my email and what does F.U. find? A letter asking for advice about relationships during the holidays. It has been a minute since any of you bitches have needed rescuing, so I'm more than happy to add my 12 cents. Let's get to it. Dear F.U., My first time to your site was about two weeks ago and let's just say I am so happy my friend put me on! There are so many things I want to tell you like, I totally agree with your stance on Barack Obama and if anyone should be supporting him, it should be black women. I also wanted to tell you that I didn't like Pauletta's dress either. Those rings on the bottom definitely had the bedspread look. And, overall, please keep doing what you do. I saw that you have a "F.U. to the rescue" section and I read those and laughed hysterically. I wasn't sure if any of those people actually took your advice, but I know for sure it was what they needed to hear. Since I'm having a problem of my own right now, I just thought for the hell of it, I would find out just what would F.U. do? I'm in my early thirties and I've been with my boyfriend for a few years. We had a baby almost 6 months ago and for the most part we are very happy. My boyfriend has been married before and has two other children. Getting married again is not something that he wants to do but he hasn't ruled it out altogether. I think I am okay with us never getting married only because I know that he loves me and our child and after hearing about his first marriage I would never want things to end up that way for us. The problem is his mother and his family -- including his other children. I hate them. His mother makes it known that she wishes he were still married to his ex-wife and she is always talking about his other kids. She hasn't seemed to be too interested in his newest grandchild but when she is with our baby she does act like she cares a little bit. I know I shouldn't hate the kids because it isn't their fault, but I can't help it. When they come around I find reasons not to be around. When I have no choice but to look at them, I think I'm good at pretending but I try to always have a headache or something just because looking at them annoys the hell out of me. I wish they didn't exist. He wants us to go to his family's house for Christmas since we went to my family's house for Thanksgiving. I kind of have no choice but to go. Ever since the baby was born my hatred has gotten worse and I don't want my child around them. What do I do? Is something wrong with me? Is it bad to feel this way? I haven't really told anyone how I've been feeling and I knew that you would do nothing else but keep it real. Your newest fan, T.J. Dear T.J., First let me welcome you to F.U.'s world. Second, Barack for Prez!!!! Ok, so here is what I think of your situation.....I think I can understand. Your man had a life and a family before you and while he had no problems moving on, his family is still stuck in the past. And you are reminded of his past on a consistent basis whenever you see his children or they are mentioned. I guess that could be hard. However, you are a grown ass woman and unless those kids are stankin ass devil heathens, then you need to get over yourself and try your best to accept them and if possible, love them. The kids didn't ask to be here and clearly your man, as he should, is playing his role as a father and he loves his kids. Not to mention that your baby should be part of its brother/sisters lives. As for the mama. Fuck that bitch. If I were you and she continually made it her business to let me know that she would rather the ex bitch over me, then I would, as kindly as possible, tell that bitch that I'm here and I ain't goin no fuckin where. Now she can either accept that or not, but in my presence she will shut the fuck up and respect me or there will be problems. Either that OR tell your man that if his mother wants to continue to disrespect you then you will no longer make it your business to attend his family functions or allow her to be in your baby's life...even tho she is acting like she doesn't really care too much about your baby she does. You can believe that. I think she just wishes the baby wasn't yours. And then speaking of your man...you need to talk to him about your feelings. You need to let him know how his family makes you feel. He may need to speak on it and tell his mother to simma the fuck down. So I'm not saying ruin Christmas (if you read this in time....yeah, I don't check my email regularly...sorry boo) BUT maybe you might want to just tell your man about your apprehension of going to his family X-mas function and if he could just have your back for the night. Then you can work on fixing the deeper issues in time. I also wonder if you may be experiencing postpartum depression. You may want to talk to your doctor if your feelings have intensified since the birth of your kid. Now F.U. isn't a doctor but I'm saying....it might could be a possibility and you should either read up on it or look into it. So hopefully this helps and you can work it out. Be nice to those kids on Christmas and from now on bitch. Merry Christmas!!! F.U.

F.U. To The Rescue!

Wow, I thought you bitches forgot that I was here for you! Did you forget that F.U. is that bitch that will not mince words and let you know who deserves to be sliced and diced or just verbally abused? I say all that to say, since the girl with the friend with the skunky under arms, its been a minute since I've gotten a request for help...until today! Let's get to it. Hi F.U., First I want to tell you that all of a sudden I find myself saying "What the Fluckery?!", where do you come up with these things?! You are hysterical and my friends and I often wonder what you look like and how great it would be if you were on "Best Week Ever" or some show like that. Hopefully it is something that you are working towards. In any case, so here is my issue. I am in a new relationship with this really great guy and I have really been enjoying getting to know him. We hang out as much as we can and talk pretty much everyday. We met when he was just getting out of a relationship and he has mentioned to me on a few occasions that he isn't ready to jump back into another relationship. That is fine with me. I totally understand that. My problem is that he gets calls from other females and will talk to them while I'm sitting there or will be out with another female and tell me that he is out with another female. It makes me so sad but I know I shouldn't be. My friends have told me that I need to just leave him alone because he's not ready for me. But I feel like, if I deal with him long enough, he will realize that he does want to be with me and by then he will be ready for something serious. Am I playing myself? Am I wasting my time? I can't believe I am subjecting myself to an F.U. verbal beat down, but that is how confused I am. Thank you, Lee Lee Dear Lee Lee, First of all stop usin my shit! Just kidding...I don't know where I come up with anything I say. Shit just comes out of my mouth or it comes to my mind and I type it. Anyway, people stay bitin off me....so continue to make it do wut it do (and I bit that off of Ray Charles/Jamie Foxx). As for what I look like, I'm hot to def bitch and that's all you need to know...but maybe one day you will get to lay eyes on the flyness that is F.U. Now as for your "issue"....bitch your only issue is you. You should be happy that this dude keeps it as real as he does. Do you know how many donkeys sit around knowing their man is out their fuckin some other ho but will accept the lies just because they are so pressed to have a man or be in some fake ass relationship. You on the other hand are NOT in a relationship by the standard definition. I wouldn't say you are a jump off because he talks to you way too much BUT it sounds like you are a friend with benefits and you need to play your position. He was up front with you from day one and you can either deal with it or keep it moving. But as you already know, the more time you spend with him, the more you are going to like him, and the more your feelings are going to be hurt. I mean, I would tell him when I'm with him he best not be talkin to no other bitch. He can do whatever he wants when I'm not around but in my presence, its all about me, and he will catch an elbow to the jaw if he disrespects me. But that's just me. He also doesn't necessarily need to tell you that he's going out with another female, but that just means you need to find another friend to be going out with so that when he calls you, you are too busy to answer. I really hope you are not just sittin' up in your room back there think bout him while he's out and about with his many hos. If that is the case then you are just asking to have your feelings hurt. So to sum this up Sally Sensitive, if you don't have friends outside of this dude, then you either need to get some or go find someone who wants to sit all up under your ass. He is going to realize that you are pressed and once that happens, the calls are going to slowly stop and/or he'll only call you when he wants to tap dat ass. And then you will have officially moved to jumpoff status and you'll be no different from them other hos. So choose a position, play it, or be out. It's pretty much just that simple. Much luv to you and your girls for hittin me up on the daily! F.U.

F.U. To The Rescue!

Dear F.U., I wasn't sure if you were still doing your F.U. to the rescue anymore but I thought I would just say hello and tell you that you really crack me up and I look forward to reading your blog everyday. I also wanted to ask you something. It isn't anything about being gay, nor do I have baby mama issues or anything like that. I just wanted to know what you would do if one of your best friends had an odor issue? Now I know she showers and wears deodorant and I know she washes her clothes but it is almost immediately after being out at the club or working out or even just walking that she starts to smell horribly. I don't think she isn't aware that her underarms stink horribly but I think she is just so used to it that she just pretends. We were out at the bar one night and this guy was talking to her (she is really pretty which makes this all even worse) and she lifted her arms up when a song came on and the guy made a face and backed up and then he kind of just danced away. I feel bad and she really is someone that I care about so I don't want to hurt her feelings. So I guess I'm asking you because I know if nothing else, I will get a good laugh but also because maybe you will say something that may actually help me help her. Love, Your Biggest Fan Dearest BF, Let me first say thank you for reading my blog daily. I most certainly amuse and entertain myself regularly and I'm glad I can do the same for you and whoever else loves and hates me. As for your problem with your friend....hmmmmmmm. It sounds like she needs to see a doctor immediately. But what concerns me is what kind of donkey just allows herself to walk around stankin?! She has to smell herself and know that other people are offended by her skunky ass. If daily ass washing and deodorant has not been and will not help, then obviously she has a glandular problem and she may need some medication to help simma down the over reactive sweat and funk glands. I mean, this is a problem that SHE should have been trying to solve long ago and you should not have to tell her that she stinks. BUT since your friend wants to pretend that being cute is enough and no one will notice her PePe Le Pu stankin ass, then it is up to you as her friend to let this funky bitch know. Do the following: The next time ya'll are just hanging out, like not even when she is extra smelly, you can say "So Funky, listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about something for a while and I don't want you to feel bad or embarrassed but bitch, your underarms stink really bad. Like off the chain bad and it is becoming a problem. You wonder why we can never share each others clothes? Because after you wear some shit of mine I can never wear it again cuz your skunky ass done left a permanent smell in my shit and there doesn't seem to be enough Tide in the world to get the smell out. Do you wonder why dudes don't want to talk to you after your put your arms up?! Its because you stink!! There is just no other way to say it. Now I know you take daily showers and I've seen the extra strength deodorant in your medicine cabinet but that shit don't work. I would like you to please see a doctor about this problem because I'm sure this is an issue that can be fixed. Now should you want to continue smelling like you do and not seek help, then its a wrap. I refuse to be friends with someone who smells like the sweaty balls of 50 men." Now BF, you can cut and paste as you see fit. But the point is, you need to say something. Good luck with that. F.U.

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

Ok first...people, why can't you leave comments in the section that says comments?! There are like 2 or 3 people who leave comments faithfully. It isn't that hard. I LOVE your emails, trust me, but don't be scurred....you can say what you want for everyone to read...share the stankness please. And to Mika or whatever your name is....don't let me see you in the street boo. I will pull a Foxy on your ass right quick. Holla if you heard that bitch. And secondly...WSID? from the most recent F.U. to the Rescue edition has contacted me and has said the following: F.U., How did I know you would post this immediately? Thank you for your help. I still don't know what to do but I do think that I have to face this head on. I would be risking quite a lot...my career, my life, my friends and family. I've thought about this for a long time. But I'm not gay and I don't want to be gay. I just want to be with this one man. I will figure this out. And I just wanted to tell you that it wasn't L.L. I was dreaming about. Thanks, WSID? OMG, WSID?! Please don't become a downlow. Don't do it! First let me just say that you didn't provide a whole lot of information about yourself, so knowing that your girlfriend is a reader of YISIAW? just made me think that any of the females who read this would be questioning their men and you could easily lie and say it wasn't you....but now I'm starting to think that you did this on purpose so that SHE WOULD read it and would know it was you. You are so gay!!! I mean I knew it cuz no dudes dick is gonna get hard for no other man if he isn't gay but then I thought maybe it was just something that happens some time. I mean who knows?! I'm not Dr. Ruth!!! So looka here....and I'm being very serious. I think your girlfriend probably already knows you are gay or may at least have had a passing thought on it, but since you have such a great life going on she has probably been ignoring it. You know you only have one of two options. You can continue to live your life as a lie and put your girlfriend (and future wife and mother of your kids) at risk OR you can stop the lie and be true to yourself and find happiness. NO it won't be easy but nothing in life worth anything ever is. Plus the world is very accepting of being gay more than ever right now (F.U. love da kids!). And damn you! My job is to cuss you out and tell you what a fagalicious bitch you are and you are making me get all serious with you! Do what you know is right. Keep me posted. F.U.

F.U. To The Rescue! It's a Boy...Well Sort Of

F.U. has been asked for advice from a boy. So this edition of F.U. To The Rescue will not focus on beating a bitch down for stealing your man or F.U. calling you all types of skeezin hos cuz you screwed your mama's man. Nope. This right here is about a man in a most interesting predicament. He knows the drill and knew for sure I was posting this bad boy. So let's see how F.U. helps him out, shall we? Dear F.U., I've just become familiar with your blog. My girlfriend sent me the link the day you gave your rundown on the BET Awards. That was really funny and I've been checkin for you everyday since. I noticed that you do something of an advice thing and I decided to just shoot you an email and see what happens. I can't really talk to my boys about what I've been going through and I defintely can't talk to my girlfriend. I love my girlfriend and we have been together for almost 4 years. We are both 28 and doing very well for ourselves career wise and financially. We live together in a nice home and hope to get married soon and start a family . I know I'm very good looking as is she and when we first met the physical attraction was deep. Then of course we grew to love each other based on our common interest, our ambitions and we just really enjoyed being with each other. Things started to change for me when a new guy was brought into my firm. We hit it off right away and we've been working on the same projects and spending a lot of time together. I've never been gay nor am I gay but....my dick gets hard everytime I see him or I think about him. This has never happened to me before and I'm confused. It is becoming more difficult for me to work with him and not have to go and release myself in my office. And now sometimes I have to think about him to have sex with my girl. The crazy part is that he hasn't told me that he's gay but I can tell that if I give him the opportunity, we will end up having sex. It is taking everything in me to refrain from doing this. I love my girlfriend and I want to marry her. I am just wondering if this is something I should explore or just do my best to ignore it and hope these feelings go away. I know you are going to post this on your blog and that's okay, just go easy on me. I haven't done anything wrong yet and I'm just looking for a little bit of guidance. Sincerely, What Should I Do? Dear What Should I Do? First let me just tell you that I was all ready to make you send me a picture and all your stats cuz I just knew that your girlfriend did something to you and was a lyin ass bitch and I was gonna need to tell you to drop that ho and come holla at your girl. But um, you really threw me for loop with your situation and since I don't have any real experience with those that are "How You Doin"/gay with the exception of like Al You Doin Reynolds, Ne-Yo, and possibly Shemar Moore , I don't know whether to tell you that you are How You Doin or if you are just having some real strange sexual experiences right now. Sometimes women think other women are hot. For example, I tell everyone that I'm in love with Jessica White and Liya Kebede cuz I am. They are so georgeous and if I was gay, those indeed would be the type of bitches I was pullin. But hence, they don't make me cream in my panties the way, Tank or Idris Elba do so it does end with me just loving to stare at them. There are other women who aren't gay but very curious and like to try all types of things with men and women. But if I know a female has had sex with a woman and I know she has sex with men too, I personally wouldn't classify her as gay. But if I know a man is "bi-sexual" then you are GAY! Now take that how you want to cuz you know F.U. don't give a fuck but if I know you are stickin your dick in the mouth or the booty hole of another man then you are GAY! And I think you should be proud of it and accept it and come out that closet so you can live your life happily and in peace and without fear. All you closet motherfuckers and "homo-thugs" are the reasons why females end up all fucked up in the game. Using a female as a beard or a cover up is the worst thing you can do. You hear me Eh-ddie Murphy?! But back to you WSID?, if you have never been attracted to a man before and this is just some out of control urge you are having, then I say maybe do your best to ignore it. However, if you can't have sex with your girlfriend without thinking about him then maybe you need to really explore this other side of you and if you are gay, let your girlfriend know IMMEDIATELY. She'll be hurt and will stomp your balls but you will get over and so will she. It is the best thing for both of you. And if dude is that hot, I say you better go catch you a blow job and stop playin! Awwwwwwrrrrriiiighhhhhhtttttt, heeeeeeeyyyyyyy! P.S. to all you bitches reading this and your man actually has a job, and he's been workin late, and has a new guy at the office and all of sudden want to be putting extra aftershave on....you best start askin some questions mkay boo? P.P.S F.U. was nice right? I went easy on dude and didn't tell him that he knows he's gay and been having wet dreams about L.L. Cool J since he was 15 years old. But this was a special case as it was the first male to ask for help and I actually really feel a lil bad for him because I know he is all confused and fucked up right now. Don't get used it to tho....

F.U. To The Rescue!

Ok people, its official. You like me. You really like me. And you clearly trust or at least can appreciate my opinion, judgement and honesty. It has already been established that if you allow me, I will post your question and my answer on my blog. Munchie, the tramp I received the following question from requested that I post this because she wants to send it to someone so that it just happens to get back to all parties involved. Hey F.U., Love the blog. My job is boring as hell and my cousin passed your blog on to me since I don't do anything all day. I've made your blog a favorite and I look forward to your entertainment. So anyway, you said people can email you if they need advice or whatever, so this is my situation. I'm 29 and my mother got married last year to her boyfriend of like 5 years. I don't know who my father is and my mother has been bringing different types of men around me since I was kid and I'm grown with my own kids. But 5 years ago, she met this man that she fell in love with and he seemed to love her back. So last year they get married and have the nice wedding and all that. Anyway, I have to say that my mother's husband is attractive. Very attractive and I was feeling like ever since we met that he would look at me like he was attracted to me. I ignored it and thought it was just my own craziness. Well so, my mother was out of town and I assumed that he went with her. I stopped by the house to bring over my laundry and just to get away for a minute and thought I would have to house to myself. He is there when I get there and I was like, oh I thought you went with my Mother and I just came by to do laundry...and he was like sure stay no problem. I was just about to have a drink. You may already know where this is going but I ended up having sex with my mother's husband. This was two months ago and now I'm pregnant and I'm not sure if it is with him or my boyfriend. My mother is going to disown me if she finds out but I really think she should know, I just can't be the one to tell her. I also am not sure what to do about the baby. Go ahead F.U. and yell at me. Munchie DAYUM Munchie! I never said my name was Dr. Robin bitch. What the hell can I tell you that you don't already know?! You are a skanky ho, tramp, slut, bitch for sleeping with your mother's husband. I bet your mother has been through all kinds of relationships and thought she finally found the one, only soon to learn that her daughter and her husband are beyond disrespectful and just damn nasty. I personally wouldn't tell my mother so I don't know if your cousin is reading this, but cousin, stay out of it. While this is something your mother should know, she is the victim here and the hurt and pain it would cause your mother could be just too much. Losing a daughter and a husband is just way too much. And then ya'll was fucking in her house too! And who knows, the mother might stay with the husband and disown your dumb ass. And I don't know your mother, but I know if I was your mother, I would cut your ass. Bitch I brought you in this world, and dammit to hell, I'll take you out! But if you really want her to know then handle yours and tell her. Why would you want her to hear from cousin Pookie anem'? You was woman enuff to fuck her man, be woman enuff to tell her you did it. I doubt the husband will say anything so if it does come out, it needs to come from you. You skeezin ass heffa. As for that baby you carrying, um are you serious? Are you really considering keeping this kid? If you can't identify who the father is and it has the potential to be your step-father's kid are you willing to take that chance? Or do you just plan to raise it as your boyfriend's baby? You are like straight out of Jerry Springer/Maury right now. You are an asshole but I can't even call you anymore names because that's just pointless. You jerk ass damn dirty bird! Ok, that's the last name. So here is my advice. Get rid of that kid, tell no one, and don't go to your mother's house unless you know she is there. If anyone else has any advice for Munchie, please feel free to share the wisdom. F.U. Should you need tips or advice or have questions of any kind and you think F.U. can help, don't be scurred, hit me up! yeahisaiditandwhat@gmail.com

F.U. To The Rescue!

Why someone would want my advice, I’ll never fully understand. Most times all I’m going to tell you is “Bitch shut the fluff up and deal wit it,” but since it is clear to most that I have never truly understood the concept of keeping my comments to myself or using kind words, someone thought I would be the best person to help her out. I asked her if I could post her question and my response on my blog and she agreed. So listen up bitches, this may help you too! Hey F.U., You are so damn funny! You keep it so real unlike the fake people around me. Anyway, I thought you might be able to help me out with a problem I’m having and not sure what to do about. So my boyfriend is sleeping with my best friend. I started to get suspicious when she started telling me I need to break up with him because she knows he is cheating on me and that he is a loser. When I would ask her how she knows this and how come all of a sudden he is a loser (they used to get along pretty well) she would say I just know. Now this is my best friend and we tell each other EVERYTHING now she’s all secretive and has really been acting stupid. Then one day, I stopped by her house (her room is in the basement and you can see thru the top windows) and I saw them kissing. I was stunned and in shock and then all I could do was cry. They don’t know that I saw them, she still bad mouths him, and I am still with my boyfriend because I love him. I feel so stupid but I love both of them. What do I do? Sincerely, Sad and Confused Dear Sad and Confused, Yes you are deeply sad and confused! Don’t make me add you to my list of Dumb Bitches!! First of all when you saw them kissing in the basement, why in the hell didn’t you politely knock on the door and then commence to ass kicking?!!! First you should have repeatedly kicked your boyfriend in the balls until those shits broke off and started rolling on the damn floor. Then you should have back slapped your best friend and knocked her block off and then bitch slapped her again! Then as your boyfriend writhes in pain stomp his face until it is bloody and until your foot is numb. Then calmly walked it out, went home and turned on “So You Think You Can Dance”, I mean come on Sad, this is what to do if your boyfriend cheats on you with your best friend 101. I mean duh! Now not all situations require such violence. In many cases a verbal beat down will suffice but both of those bitches crossed the line into “Oh hell to the Naw” territory and the only penalty is serious ass kicking. And I’m ready to bitch slap your ass for a. not handling your business and 2. for still talking to these people as if nothing is wrong. Why do you love people who don’t love you? They clearly could give two shits about you and your feelings and they obviously have zero respect for you. It sounds as if you don’t have love or respect for yourself either....which is problem #1 boo. You need to work on that first and foremost. Lastly, you didn’t mention your age so I’m going to assume you are like 15 – 19 and if you are indeed within that age range then I’ll let you slide a little bit because you are young and dumb and still oblivious to the fact that men are the scum of the earth and females aren’t too far above that. If you are 20 and older then you need to contact Shar Jackson as she is President and Provost of Dumb Bitch University....and it looks like you fit all enrollment criteria. F.U. Should you need tips or advice or have questions of any kind and you think F.U. can help, don't be scurred, hit me up! yeahisaiditandwhat@gmail.com