Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Gist: 2007 BET Awards

I must say that BET has managed to get one thing right...and that is the award show. I wouldn't say the show gets better each year, but I can say that I am always entertained and last night was no exception. Overall, the best part of the entire show was that I can't even remember who won awards because it seemed like there was a lot less talking and more performing. I could also appreciate the folks at home getting their shine by creating videos to announce the nominees. Short, simple, cute and funny. Now....while the show was great and everything there, of course, were some moments that we could have all done without. Let's get to it.

Show Stopper Award: I have to give this award to both of the Jennifer's and Beyonce. Dammit. Just when I was on my feet damn near catching the holy ghost watching Jennifer Hudson and Jennifer Holliday sing "And I Am Telling You", Beyonce had to come wit it in her C-3PO Star Wars outfit and kill it. Damn you Yonce! Must you reign supreme always??!! Sigh....but I tell you, the Jennifers have shut it down forever on "And I am telling You". No one can ever sing that song again...ever. They have put it to rest, put the stamp on it, and it is obvious that unless you can make all those facial contortions and look like you are having an epileptic seziure while you are singing like Jennifer Holliday, just don't do it boo. (see for urself)

As for Yonce, first of all she looked hot. Then she had HOT BOY from the video (heeeeyyyy hot boy!!!) come out and dance with her. Now why she had bootleg ass Michelle and need-a-job Solange come out, I don't know. I mean I guess the idea was to do the video and they were in the video, but I could have done without them in the video too. So the Unecessary Accessorie Award goes to Yonce for including people just for the sake of inclusion. And who saw Solange almost bust her ass off the stage? I can say that at least Solange tries to work it. I'm still upset that they let her jump up out of that thing at the end for the final bump like this dance. I didn't like it. She is not the unofficial fourth member. She is the little sister. Can we let her play her role please? And Michelle...oh Michelle. Why must you always look like you don't belong? You stand out only because everyone can tell that you don't measure up. Boo Boo, just stop it.

The A for Effort Award: Kelly Rowland. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. First let's thank Yonce for allowing you the time to shine. I mean she even thanked you (and the other two) for performing with her. Cuz I mean clearly, the only way you would have been allowed to perform is if you performed with her. Anyhoo...I'm guessing this performance also squashes any rumors of you leaving Matthew. But watevs....more importantly, you looked fabulous!!! You looked like Wonder Woman but with poom poom shorts on. Loved it! As for your actual singing, you tried real hard and I can respect that. I know you told us you were gonna bump like this, and I believed you. However, boo, I couldn't really hear you. I actually sang the song for you according to those at the viewing party. I tried to explain that Matthew and Yonce had your microphone set on low on purpose so that you wouldn't outshine her but even I knew I was reaching. I love that you tried to sing live and dance and do it all but like I've said before, you aren't the brick house nor do you have the power house vocals so let us leave that for those who have all that. You need to sing ballads for the live performances and if you are going to pop and lock to songs, it is okay if you lip synch because we already know your range and capabilities. But you followed Yonce and gave it your best and I'm not mad at your for that. (Side note, Kelly, I know it was a C-O-N spiracy and Yonce and her Daddy set you up....but you didn't hear that from me)

My Favorite Outfit Award: Eve's ensemble during her performance with Kelly was HOT. It was my favorite of the night. And she actually enhanced Kelly's one time for Eve. Now her hair and outfit on the red carpet was a whole notha situation but for all that is fashion, check out my girl Elle!

The Get Off Her Dick Award
: Mo'Nique. Dammit Mo! How many times are you going to open the show with a Beyonce routine???!!!! You killed it with the Crazy in Love!! You cannnot and will not top that so just stop it! And then of all songs you do Deja Vu! And you didn't even know the words! If you had to do Beyonce why couldn't you do like Upgrade U or something. You could have had one of the Fat Boys come out and do Jay-Z's part. Can we be more creative next time? Can we let Beyonce rest for just a minute? Can you pretend you listen to other music. I mean, could you not have broken it down to Umbrella, Ella, Ella, Eh, Eh? And then telling Yonce she is the Queen just put it over the top. I mean if you could manage to fit up her ass, I think I would find you in there suckin on a rib bone. Let's move on Mo, k boo?

The BOO Award goes to several folks. Number one being Ne-Yo. You have proved time and time again that you are the wackest when it comes to performing. You write great songs and yes you can sing, but you are boring as all hell and I don't believe you. The second award goes, surprisingly, to my 2nd favorite white boy (1st is JT) Robin Thicke. I still listen to Robin's album like I just got it the other day. I cannot take it out of my rotation. I love him. I love his voice and I think he is incredibly talented. I was loving Robin even when he was all greasy looking with his long hair and riding his bike as the messenger in the video for When I Get You Alone. So imagine my dismay when I'm talking thru his performance because 1. he sounded like Mickey Mouse and B., he was boring as hell and F., I can't hear that damn song anymore! He has like 80 songs on his CD, can we move on people puh-lease?! And the final Boo Award goes to 50 cent....HAHAHA, did Fitty have a Ashlee Simpson moment? We played it back and still can't tell what happened. All I know is, he was taking off his jacket while he was supposed to be rapping and then he had the mic so close to his mouth you couldn't tell if he was rapping or not, and then the music was just playing and he wasn't do anything but walking in the audience hi-fivin people. Ummmmmmmm.....Fitty, what's that all about boo? Did you forget the words or do rappers really lip synch too? And then if we even forget all that, your set was the wackest and the Cirque Du Soleil routine has been is time to let that go. But you did mention your Vitamin Water so you reminded us all that no matter how corny you are, you are rich bitch. We get it. Thanks.

The Fun Times Award goes to Ciara and Diddy & Keyshia Cole. Both performances had me dancing and ejoying myself. Diddy and his march (his version of the break it down two step) always gets me amped. If Diddy is nothing else, he is an entertainer and I enjoy him. Keyshia cole looked cute and she tears it up most always. Could have done without Lil Kim tho. Her verse is corny and she didn't even look hot. Like if you are going to make a surprise appearance Kim, surprise us. I would have even been happy with a outfit with one boob covered with a pasty! As for Ciara, another one who tries to sing live while dancing her ass off. Just stop it. You know you can't sing while you stand still! But CiCi can dance her ass off and so you just forget the fact that she is even singing and you just watch her break it down one time and think, now that's how you get bitches bodied!! And I know CiCi went home last night and made Fitty feel better about his horrible performance....and I know she didn't even have to take her panties off, she just pulled them to the side.....hey, those are Fitty words, not mine.

The Moment of Silence Award: TGT. Better known as Tank, Genuwine, and Tyreese. DAAAAYYYYYUUUUUMMMM! Oh the deliciousness!! I would like to accept this award on the behalf of all of them as they are all worn out after a foursome like no other....wait a minute hold on, they actin up right now.....Tank, put my panties down boo! Put them down. Tyrese, the Gatorade is in the fridge boo. Get your levels up. And G, I will brush your baby hairs later, k baby. Now let me get back to accepting this award. So, like I was saying I want to thank the creator of Tivo for allowing us to pause and just revel in lusciousness. I would also like to thank The Creator for making such ree-diculously fine menzes. It would have been nice if you made them all taller, but I know, I can't be choosy and stuff so just thanks and now I have to go and handle my business.

The Unemployment Award goes to whoever wrote Debra Lee's speech. Did you have her reading the word "crisises" off the teleprompter? When Debra watches the tape back and sees that you had her speaking like her name is Jim Jones, you are so fired!

The Move Out of My Peripheral Vision Award goes to Chudney Ross. While I was trying to appreciate Diana Ross, who is so fierce and fabulous, I kept getting distracted because her fugly ass daughter Chudney was all up in the upper side of the TV. Why must she be so damn fug?! And damn you Diana for naming her Chudney! It is like you were just asking for her to be fug. And that Evan Ross looks even worse looking like the ghost of Christmas Never Was. Just Ugh.

Well that concludes this edition of The Gist. I was entertained and more than anything, I was happy that there really wasn't any of the Coonin and Bufoonery that BET is sadly becoming known for. Props to T.I. for mannin' up and apologizing for the foolery you displayed before and after you got beat up. Anyway, fun times. So until next time.....


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