Dear Oprah....

I still wait everyday for the moment you tell me to pack my bag -- scratch that... won't need to pack a bag cuz you're gonna buy me a whole new wardrobe -- and come live with you and do nothing. I now realize that I can be the one who really helps you. You see, as you are now sharing with the world how upset you are that you have gained all of your weight back and how you won't be able to wear the dress you have picked out for Barack's Inauguration and how embarrassed you are that this is the one thing you can't conquer, I can help you. Clearly, Gayle, Stedman, Bob Greene, all your chefs, and even damn Dr. Oz haven't done their job. But I, yes me, can help you through this. First of all, I think you look fine. Great, even. (I mean, that seriously.) So what you're back at 200 pounds? I couldn't tell and I watch you er'day! You see O, when you have bazillions of dollars, who really cares about weight? You are worried about not fitting in your dress? You see as your special bestest friend, I would just call the designer and tell them to make that shit bigger. You would never know! When the chef makes chicken for dinner, I'll just switch it with Popeyes and just take the skin off, and you will LOVE it! And we'll exercise too! We'll practice doing the choreography to Single Ladies and we'll laugh every time you try to go down and hit the side leg but can never get back up. Oprah this is called living your best life! What is the point of being one of the richest people in the world if you can't enjoy it because you are so caught up on something as silly as weight. I will help you see that you can be a big gurl and love it. Our lives can be so full and rich together. Call me! Please! Luh you, bye!

Oprah Inspires As Per Always....

How pumped would you be if Oprah gave the commencement speech at your college graduation?! I mean, I don't know if the diploma would mean as much as Oprah's advice and words of encouragement. Those Stanford University graduates got to hear Oprah tell them to "trust your gut." When you are doing the work you are meant to do, it feels right," she said, as the Class of 2008 snapped photographs with their cell phones and tossed beach balls to each other in the warm morning sun. "Feelings are really your GPS system for life. Check your ego at the door and check your gut instead. "Every wrong decision was the result of me not listening to my voice. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it." I think this is something we all need to be reminded of. Trusting your instincts, believing in yourself, and knowing that the only wrong decision is the one never made. O talked about building her school in Africa and while she was so busy worried about such little things like the thread count on the sheets the girls were sleeping on, she hired a teacher who sexual abused her girls. "I had been paying attention to all of the wrong things," Winfrey said. "I built a school from the outside in, instead of from the inside out." Another reminder to us all that getting caught up in the frivolous things -- the material things and all the extra crap that has nothing to do with the core of who you are -- you lose track of what is really important. And what is most important? Well I believe that differs person to person but ultimately, I think for all of us, when you pay attention to your natural joy and your happiness and who you really are, you know exactly what is most important and how to build your life from the inside out. Oprah is clearly on this earth to teach us all as she continues to learn and grow herself. If this didn't inspire every last one of those graduates to go out and be determined to be beyond extraordinary, I don't know what would. F.U. says: be amazing, be extraordinary, be inspiring, be YOU. P.S. ya'll know when Mama O speaks, F.U. has to listen. Nobody gives me heart palps like Lady O. So I have to do my part and spread her word, for it is her purpose in this world share her knowledge, and it is part of my journey to be a witness and a receiver of it all. Now get back to work Bitches! Source

Adoption Tales: White Mamas and Black Babies

I'm all for adoption. I think it makes more sense to help the babies that are already here (who didn't ask to be here) then to keep making more babies that people don't have the means nor the common sense to take care of. But here's the thing....now, if I was gonna be adopted, I would be more than happy to have Brad and Angelina be my mommy and daddy (altho I still pray Oprah comes and finds me). Only problem is, I would be mad as hell they had me walkin around lookin like Buckwheat's lil sister. It's just not a good look. Seriously, why does Baby Z's hair have to be all over the place? Could they not comb it? They knew they were gonna be walking around the beach or whatever, like a lil grease, a brush, and a braid would have to done just fine. Or if you really just can't, slap a hat on that head. How is it that Pax's hair is straight flowin like Farrah Fawcett's but Baby Z got bed head? For all the white mama's and daddies who decide they want to raise a black child, I personally say thanks, but you need to either pay somebody to do your child's hair (and Brangelina should have somebody on staff just for that) or take a lesson, or just keep practicing. Grease, a comb and a brush, and a ponytail holder is all you need. This has been a F.U. PSA. Cuz, you know, I care and stuff. Source

Gayle King is A Lucky Bitch

Why am I not Oprah's best friend?! WHY????!!!!! Ok so did you all hear that Oprah's first baby, Sophie (one of her black cocker spaniels - the other one is Solomon) died? She was old and had kidney issues....very sad. Especially since Gracie just died not too long ago. And it is crazy because Kimora's first baby Zoe just died too...but at least Oprah not talking about turning Sophie's ashes into diamonds.... Anyway, guess how Gayle came up on Sophie's death? “Gayle King , Oprah Winfrey’s best friend, has moved into a penthouse purchased in the name of Oprah’s recently departed pooch, Sophie. According to deed-transfer records released yesterday, a company called Sophie’s Penthouse LLC bought a $7.1 million full-floor sky palace atop the 36-floor building at 207 E. 57th St…… It has three bedrooms, 3 1/2 baths, a large living room/dining area, and a 768-square-foot wraparound terrace.” Ummmmm, didn't Oprah already buy Gayle a mansion to live in? Why she get a penthouse too? I can't. You know what, I just need for one of the contestants on Oprah's Big Give to just come find me. I swear if they give to me they will win the show. I have soooooo many ideas as to what I can do with those millions. And yes, I will even give my old shit away to those who really need it. I promise. Source