Black Men & Women, Love Iyanla Vanzant

I was truly blessed with the opportunity to share space, energy, and love with Iylana Vanzant last night. Iylana lead a discussion that was for Black Men and the focus was their relationships. They opened the event to both men and women, and of course, there were at least 100 more women in attendance than men, however, the men who were there were clearly seeking growth, knowledge, and understanding of how to better their relationships not only with their lovers, partners, wives, mothers etc. but with themselves. I cannot even express what a sight it is to see beautiful black men choose to know love and choose to understand accountability and work towards being their best selves for themselves and for those who they choose to have relationships with. The following is a mix of my notes (which were hard to take as I was so deep into listening) and my expression of what I learned. First Iya (yes, I'm callin her by her nickname like we best friends) had all the women get up and move to the sides of the room. Of course all the women were sitting front and center. Then she made all the men get up and move to the front. She separated us so that the women could sit in the back and listen and learn and so that the men would feel free to be open and willing to share without getting slapped up side the head by the woman sittin on his right. Once we were separated she asked the men "What is the purpose of relationships?" From there answers they came up with these reasons: 1. To build civilizations 2. To express God's love 3. To see a mirror image of yourself to heal those parts of you that are not in alignment with God's purpose. In a relationship, no matter what kind it is, there is simply LOVE. You are love. And if the purpose of relationships is to heal, then why are so many of us by ourselves? It is because we go into relationships looking to get fixed instead of looking at the mirror image of what needs healing. Healing and fixing are two very different things. And instead of healing we, especially women, take control. We control what we want to fix in our partners instead of looking at the reflection in the mirror and working on what needs to be healed within. Most of us haven't been given the tools we need to heal. Healing requires work, acknowledgement and accountability. It is so much easier to find fault in someone else than to look in yourself and know that whatever you continue to fault others for is what needs to be healed most inside you. WOMEN: Iya told us to shut up! She said women talk too damn much. (I will give an example later of how we proved her point) She said that we need to tell our men what we want them to know in 10 words or less. They can't handle any more than that. They can't and they are not taking it in. You are wasting your time and your millions of words because they zone out after the 10th word. MEN THINK IN HEADLINES. Women think in fine print. (Iya ain't neva lied!) A man needs to know that his thoughts are respected. STOP telling them their thoughts and how he should be thinking. How do you know what he is thinking? Stop trying to think for them. Men think the truth and women feel the truth. If you respect his thoughts he will feel comfortable enough to express his thoughts more and he will eventually get to the part of FEELING. Here is the example. This man (who was adorable) stood up and asked Iya how to fix his marriage because his wife has a son from a previous relationship, he has a son from a previous relationship but he feels she puts his son before him and he believes that they can't be together if he is not first. Do you not know that while Iya is tryna to work with this man there were WOMEN all in the background yellin at him and tryna tell him what he needed to do and that's her son and blah blah! Iya screamed on these women! She was like HOW DARE YOU! This man is up here pouring his heart out attempting to grow and be a better husband and father and there you go running your mouths and if you would do this to a man you don't even know I can only imagine how you speak to your own man, if you even have one, and you prolly don't. What you do ANYWHERE you will do EVERYWHERE. Women SHUT UP! After that you know those women had to pick their faces up and we didn't hear a peep after that. And you know what, that man kept taking and listened and I swear to you I was damn near in tears. She had other men get up and stand by his side to let him know that he wasn't alone. It was amazing. Iyanla saved that man's marriage last night and I witnessed that. I can't even tell you what that whole experience was like. Incredible. NEVER VOICE A MAN'S INADEQUACIES TO HIM. It is a form a violence. Women are History Majors. We carry everything from relationship to relationship and you don't know what will trigger it but the next thing you know, you are trying to give this man a final and its a test that don't have nothing to do with him and you know he won't pass. You are setting him up to fail and are confused when he leaves. Know the 4 As. 1. Affirm 2. Acknowledge 3. Accept 4. Appreciate Affirm for them that they are wonderful and that is why you love them. Let them know that they can do anything and everything and you'll be there every step of the way. Tell him everyday that you can't wait to see what great things he is going to do with this day. Acknowledge anything great that they do. Stop pointing out what he didn't do. If he took the garbage out, thank him for it, and mean it. Accept him for the way he is right now. You have no business trying to make him anything else but who he is. Appreciate him for everything that he is and even what he isn't. Why would you be with someone who you don't or can't appreciate? MEN: Don't dismiss her feelings. She has to know that what she feels matters. If you want her to respect your thoughts you have to respect her feelings. You don't have to fix her feelings, you just have to be present with her while she's having them. You know she is gonna be having a feeling about one thing today and something else tomorrow but just be present, be aware, be conscious with her. Anything you do to make her feel better TRUST that you will benefit from. Eat your Ps: 1. Protect 2. Provide 3. Please 4. Perform Be there. Let your presence be your protection. Sometimes you may even need to protect her from herself. She has to know that you are occupying your space as her man and you are protecting her. Provide for her. That isn't even about money. You can provide your love, your heart, your ears, your arms and anything that you know will PLEASE her. To please her know what matters to her. It is the little things. Know the little things that make her eyes light up. Even if it is playing her favorite song and asking her to dance while your stroke her hair. Maybe it is coming home with her favorite ice cream. If she was having a bad day, I betchu that day just got a million times better. Just because you were there and you know her enough to know what would please her. Perform. No two things can occupy the same space at the same time. Either you are gonna be the man or she is. That is not her purpose and unless you perform your role of man she'll take on both roles and resent you for making her do that. MEN AND WOMEN: Don't tell people how to love you. Allow them to show you how they love and see if you want to participate in their love. If you want to fix somebody, fix yourself. I had to share this experience with all of you. While it was about relationships, so many things were disucussed that can cover more than one aspect of your life. I know my blog is really just about this chic named F.U. who spends all of her time talkin bout mundane, sometimes pointless, sometimes unnecessary stuff that at the end of that may or may not have brightened your day -- or at least made you giggle. Last night I was kind of forced to look at some of the things in my life and think about my intentions. My intentions in writing this blog is to 1. entertain myself, 2. entertain others, and 3. to keep us all aware that life shouldn't always be taken that seriously -- even if it comes at the expense of calling some celebrity fug or trying to figure out why little boys are makin youtube videos singing Touch My Body. So for those of you who continue to read Yeah, I Said It. And What? and for those of you who continue to support the F.U. movement I say thank you and I want you to know that I am fully aware and conscious of what I am putting out into the universe and you know what, I am more than OK with that and that's why I'll continue to do it. I love it and I love you. Ewwww, did I just say that? (As I have a major smile on my face right now)