Why I Love John Mayer

Sigh....he is so third in line of my list of yummy Something News. He is my intellectual lover. His mind is like the key to my boogina. Hopefully you will enjoy John's thoughts on the word "Douchebag"....ya'll know how I feel about the word "Douche"....and in the words of Martin, bitch douche, dush, do both of those shits! WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2007 "DOUCHEBAG"Death to Douchebag 1 of a 129-part series on the year that was 2007 By John Mayer "Douchebag." What a douchebag." It feels good to say, "douchebag." It's got two different plosive sounds, the "D" and "B", and nicely wedged between is a wonderful "sh" sound (technically known as a voiceless palato-alveolar sibilant, at the risk of coming off douchey) that, when preceded with "oooooh", give your lips the sensation of sliding on a hardwood floor in a pair of woolen socks. And "douchebag" was on the vinegary tips of everyone's tongues this year. Trouble is, I'm not really clear on what it means, and I don't know that anyone does. I know that I get called one. Pete Wentz from Fallout Boy, by measure of a google search, is a douchebag 11,100 times over, or the number of results that the search engine says exist. Zach Braff, who himself wrote one of the better films I've seen in the last decade is also frequently 'bagged, as is some guy named Brody Jenner. In fact, if you want to go big, so is Michael Stipe, Bono ("supreme douchebag"), Thom Yorke, Will Smith and Brad Pitt. Are you as confused as I am as to what the common denominator of douchiness is? Is it someone that comes off obnoxious? Self aggrandizing? Ignorant? Or is it just someone who exists out of another person's comfort zone? And doesn't that account for almost everyone in the world, celebrity or otherwise? Don't most people, given the fact that they're NOT US lie somewhere outside our comfort zone? Ohhhhh...OR...is being a douchebag actually all about having a bigger smile than someone else deems you deserve to in life? I think I'm onto something here. Stick with me. In the case of Pete Wentz, whom I can comment on personally, I think the guy's got the job description of musician down pretty damn well. True, it's not your dad's rock star template, but he'd be inauthentic if he tried to fit inside it. Pete Wentz has a truckload of ideas. Big, bold, colorful ideas. They're ideas that have never once had their edges sanded down, and for that reason some people might find him or his band too much to swallow. You know who else had that going for them in their day? Frank Zappa. And David Bowie. And Peter Gabriel. And Elton John. And the Doors. Pretty much every rock band from A-Z existed because of their ignoring conventional boundaries. Pete's going to keep pretending. Because that's all art really is. You puff up your sense of pretend as big as you can and then try and live up to it. (Maybe that's what people think being a douchebag is?) I personally don't mind being called a douchebag. I've met my fair share of bloggers, and I'm much, much taller than them. It's also because I need there to be some push on the castle walls, so to speak. I'm not happy when people agree. (Don't make me start listing the names of seminal artists that weren't either.) I think it's easier to call "douchebag" than to confront the possibility that: THERE ARE OTHER PERSONALITIES IN THIS WORLD THAT ARE NOT INHERENTLY SYMPATHETIC TO OUR OWN. Maybe I should take this opportunity to define douchebag once and for all; I think if enjoying your life as you choose happens to spill over into treating others without respect, then you're a total, world-class douchebag. But then wouldn't that also serve as a fitting description of the boy who cried "douche"? Maybe it's just really fun to say.

Nigger - As

I've pondered...but I'm still not sure what Nas is trying to say with this. Niggers wear glasses and read the paper? What do you think?

Don't Worry If He Writes Rhymes....He Writes Checks!

Sean John Puff Puffy Puff Daddy Diddy Combs is getting a STAR-ruh on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Jan 11th. I was really surprised to learn that....at first I was like well hell, who is next to get a star, Danity Kane?? But then I thought about it and you know what, Diddy was a bucktooth beaver fugly lil boy who had the determination and drive to create the life for himself that he wanted. The guy who started throwing parties at Howard U is now sitting on a mazillion dollar empire. Pretty much everything he touches turns to gold...or at least bronze. You gotta give this man his due....and I for one, love his stank ass swagger. Congrats Sean John Puff Puffy Puff Daddy Diddy Combs!!! Source

Trey Songz is Superman??

Mkay, so at a recent Trey Songz sing along -- yeah, um, you can't really call it a concert when it looks like he is singing on a podium in the housewares section in Macy's -- an audience member throws ice at Trey. Trey stops the song and asks "Who is throwin' ice?" The lil girls in the audience start screaming cuz he's all tiny and bird like tryna act bout it....but they like that. He then grabs his 350 pound bodyguard and they both LEAP into the crowd and proceed to beat up the ice thrower. I knew Trey had a lil bird chest but who knew it had a S on it? Who knew he could fly over people and cause pandemonium?? I mean we all know had the bodyguard not took the leap with him, he would have never attempted to save the day from the ice thrower. That S on his his chest is lower case. Anyhooo....to watch the melee yourself, check out the video from MediaTakeOut.com.

Meet The Newest Baby Run!

Run and Justine have adopted a baby girl whom they have named Miley Justine Simmons. Miley makes her big debut on January 17 on Run's House, but Us Weekly got the first exclusive pics. Run, 43, and wife Justine, 42, adopted the American-born girl (they do not know her birth mother) when she was a month old in September – exactly one year after Justine gave birth to a daughter who didn't survive. "I wanted a girl really bad, and I knew I wasn't going to try again," she says. Justine has two other boys with Run and is the step-mom to a boy and two girls. I don't know what I think about the name Miley, but I'm so happy that Justine finally has her girl and she's adorable! One more Simmons' girl to split the mazillions wit.

Raz-B Is Missing....Just Why?

So I'm sure you all know Raz-B released a video in which he recants his accusation that his cousin, Chris Stokes is a baby rapist. I didn't post this video because it is obvious it is a lie and that he was forced and coerced or paid to do it. In an MTV News article, Stokes says: "I'm happy that DeMario 'Raz-B' Thornton and Ricardo Thornton realized their mistakes and admitted to lying," he said, although Ricardo Thornton is standing by his claims. "I have always supported my family and have always been a stand-up person. I knew that the truth would eventually come to light." Thornton's abrupt turnaround came just hours after Stokes told MTV News that the allegations were false. His denials were seconded by another former B2K member, Omarion. "I'm not gay. And I'm married. And I have four kids. I been with my wife for 16 years," Stokes told MTV in an exclusive interview. "And I'm not a child molester. So those are all false allegations. I'm gonna sue them. And I owe that to my wife and kids, period. It's ridiculous." MTV News also spoke with Ricky, Raz's brother who also says he was abused by Stokes: Ricardo told MTV News that he stands by all the original allegations and is not recanting his story. He said he hasn't spoken to his younger brother in more than a day — which he said was unusual for the siblings — and predicted that Raz will "come back around," suggesting that the apology might not have been his brother's idea. Now Bossip is reporting that Raz is missing. There was also mention that the Bloods were paid to force Raz to release that apology video. This is all just too much. Why??? Such a sad situation. I can't.

Mary....Just Mary!

The Queen....who we've all been down with since You Remind Me. Just think of where you were when you were boppin, poppin, and lockin to You Remind Me....I believe I was wearing some 54.11s, some tight ass Levi's, my bubble name chain and name ring, with my side ponytail singing about nobody but he damn sure reminded me of somebody. Cuz Mary made me believe that I knew somebody who reminded me. And you know when I saw the video for Real Love I went and bought me about three baseball jerseys some black spandex leggins and again rocked my 54.11s like I was in the video. And don't think I don't still know all the choreography. What's the 411 was like the best shit ever. But then....oh but then Mary hit us with My Life. This album changed a black bitch forever. Now I think back on it, how could I have really known what she was talking about....at that time, I ain't been through shit, I didn't have a clue about the struggle. Yet, I sang with Mary as if I knew. She makes you feel her pain and at the end of the day we just all want to Be Happy...that much I knew for sure. I most certainly continued our love affair....I Shared Her World and it was SO all about Mary. We know Mary's been through it. She's been strung out, beat up, tore up, used and abused. But our girl has made it. And no, its not because she has finally "crossed over" as some are saying. Mary ain't never give a shit about whether white people bought her music. She made music because it was what got her through. Yes, dammit, YES, I could have done without the Hateration in this dancerie (I wasn't ready for No More Drama and she lost me on Love & Life)....and I was one of the many who thought, briefly, ummmm, I think me no likey happy Mary. BUT happy Mary made her Breakthrough and she's just fine. And I love her. CONGRATS Mary for selling 629,000 units of Growing Pains in your first week! Thanks to all those jackasses who want to listen to Josh muthafuckin Groban sing bullshit Christmas music (Thanks alot Oprah) his shit is #1 for the 5th damn week in a row. But it don't matter. I am so happy for Mary and I hope she continues singing the soundtracks to my life for a long time. And if you don't have Growing Pains....you MUST get it. I LOVE IT.

I Love Nicotine Is Engaged....

So People is reporting that New York, of the I Love New York dramedy, accepts Tailor Made's proposal on the reunion show that is set to air on Jan 6th. It seems Tailor Made proposed to I Love Nicotine during the finale but she refused at the time -- saying something to the effect of, she didn't want to rush into it but she did want to be with him. I guess that's nice. I didn't watch this season too much...I caught a few eps here and there...but basically, it was all the same shit. All I know is Punk looked like a big greasy muscle headed fake ass Hawaiian Silky pink gorilla looking for his exit out of the flaming closet. But I digress...I personally don't see how someone could want to kiss someone who literally has cigarette smoke coming out of her mouth every .8 seconds AND who looks like a black Kermit the Frog with a lacefront. I also don't see how she could want to be with some guy who is basically a punk bitch but in an interview on Vh1.com, she explains that. It was pretty clear especially from the counseling episode that he was willing to do whatever it took, even if it meant assuming a position submissive to you. Is it safe to say that you wear the pants? The thing I love most about Tailor Made is that he is not afraid to take a backseat to me in any capacity. This man knows that I run the household. He doesn’t go out and buy toothpaste without asking me if it’s OK. And I just love it. It’s such a great balance. I feel like I’m in control you know, but it’s done in a respectful way. It’s not like you know I’m his slave master or anything like that. It’s just that he has so much respect for me that I’m not used to it. I don’t take advantage of it, but I do love it. Yeah, I was gonna ask, is that respect mutual? Well, let’s just say that I am less intimidated by him then he is by me. So usually I’m the one getting my way. Was there a time that you could point to that you could say like here’s when I knew I was in love with him? Or was it up until the end that it was a struggle? Because I know the whole Buddha thing was like…really dramatic. You know? I did have very, very strong feelings for Tailor Made, but I had shared some meaningful time with Buddha. When we were in Jamaica, I swear I didn’t know who I was gonna pick probably until right before the elimination. I don’t know if Tailor Made knows that. I don’t think he does. And I don’t know if that would change anything, ’cause of course, you know, that’s my man now so I lie: “Oh, I did know I was gonna pick you.” But actually I didn’t know who I was gonna end up with until I walked out there. Right. And basically she chose Tailor Made because he is the only guy who will allow himself to either pretend (or maybe even in real life) to worship her and be her bitch. It might actually be real because she says they have been living with each other for 6 months -- even though they weren't supposed to -- and she says she is really in love with him and thinks he is the hottest thing. I guess I can be happy for anybody who finds love...even the fuglies...and no matter how you find it. I'm assuming the next show will be I Love Nicotine and Tailor Made Are Fugly and Pregnant.

F.U. To The Rescue....Just In Time For The Holidays

So it is Christmas Eve and it is the first day I've been able to just sit and do nothing in about four days....so I decided to check my email and what does F.U. find? A letter asking for advice about relationships during the holidays. It has been a minute since any of you bitches have needed rescuing, so I'm more than happy to add my 12 cents. Let's get to it. Dear F.U., My first time to your site was about two weeks ago and let's just say I am so happy my friend put me on! There are so many things I want to tell you like, I totally agree with your stance on Barack Obama and if anyone should be supporting him, it should be black women. I also wanted to tell you that I didn't like Pauletta's dress either. Those rings on the bottom definitely had the bedspread look. And, overall, please keep doing what you do. I saw that you have a "F.U. to the rescue" section and I read those and laughed hysterically. I wasn't sure if any of those people actually took your advice, but I know for sure it was what they needed to hear. Since I'm having a problem of my own right now, I just thought for the hell of it, I would find out just what would F.U. do? I'm in my early thirties and I've been with my boyfriend for a few years. We had a baby almost 6 months ago and for the most part we are very happy. My boyfriend has been married before and has two other children. Getting married again is not something that he wants to do but he hasn't ruled it out altogether. I think I am okay with us never getting married only because I know that he loves me and our child and after hearing about his first marriage I would never want things to end up that way for us. The problem is his mother and his family -- including his other children. I hate them. His mother makes it known that she wishes he were still married to his ex-wife and she is always talking about his other kids. She hasn't seemed to be too interested in his newest grandchild but when she is with our baby she does act like she cares a little bit. I know I shouldn't hate the kids because it isn't their fault, but I can't help it. When they come around I find reasons not to be around. When I have no choice but to look at them, I think I'm good at pretending but I try to always have a headache or something just because looking at them annoys the hell out of me. I wish they didn't exist. He wants us to go to his family's house for Christmas since we went to my family's house for Thanksgiving. I kind of have no choice but to go. Ever since the baby was born my hatred has gotten worse and I don't want my child around them. What do I do? Is something wrong with me? Is it bad to feel this way? I haven't really told anyone how I've been feeling and I knew that you would do nothing else but keep it real. Your newest fan, T.J. Dear T.J., First let me welcome you to F.U.'s world. Second, Barack for Prez!!!! Ok, so here is what I think of your situation.....I think I can understand. Your man had a life and a family before you and while he had no problems moving on, his family is still stuck in the past. And you are reminded of his past on a consistent basis whenever you see his children or they are mentioned. I guess that could be hard. However, you are a grown ass woman and unless those kids are stankin ass devil heathens, then you need to get over yourself and try your best to accept them and if possible, love them. The kids didn't ask to be here and clearly your man, as he should, is playing his role as a father and he loves his kids. Not to mention that your baby should be part of its brother/sisters lives. As for the mama. Fuck that bitch. If I were you and she continually made it her business to let me know that she would rather the ex bitch over me, then I would, as kindly as possible, tell that bitch that I'm here and I ain't goin no fuckin where. Now she can either accept that or not, but in my presence she will shut the fuck up and respect me or there will be problems. Either that OR tell your man that if his mother wants to continue to disrespect you then you will no longer make it your business to attend his family functions or allow her to be in your baby's life...even tho she is acting like she doesn't really care too much about your baby she does. You can believe that. I think she just wishes the baby wasn't yours. And then speaking of your man...you need to talk to him about your feelings. You need to let him know how his family makes you feel. He may need to speak on it and tell his mother to simma the fuck down. So I'm not saying ruin Christmas (if you read this in time....yeah, I don't check my email regularly...sorry boo) BUT maybe you might want to just tell your man about your apprehension of going to his family X-mas function and if he could just have your back for the night. Then you can work on fixing the deeper issues in time. I also wonder if you may be experiencing postpartum depression. You may want to talk to your doctor if your feelings have intensified since the birth of your kid. Now F.U. isn't a doctor but I'm saying....it might could be a possibility and you should either read up on it or look into it. So hopefully this helps and you can work it out. Be nice to those kids on Christmas and from now on bitch. Merry Christmas!!! F.U.

Holiday Pic O' The Day

Jurnee lookin festively yummy as a 50's type pin-up in Vanity Fair. While its obvious there was a serious air-brush session, its still a delicious pic and I love it!

Chris Stokes Is A Child Molester

Wow....um, there is video of Raz B, formerly of B2K and his brother Ricky, who are cousins to Chris Stokes discussing how Chris Stokes raped both of them, Marques Houston and Omarion. On a phone call, Chris is heard saying that he isn't that man anymore and "he doesn't do that in his life anymore." Raz B says a few things but what sticks out most is him saying his ass hurt. I really hope that charges are filed. I hope this isn't just some Internet rumor bullshit that gets swept under the rug after dollars are spent to keep people quiet. So sad. Part I: Part II:

Beautiful Black Women Doin Da Damn Thing In HollyWood!!!

Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, and Sophie Okonedo (ya'll know Sophie...she KILLED it in Hotel Rwanda) will star in the movie adaptation of the kid's best-selling 2002 novel The Secret Life of Bees. Alicia Keys is currently in talks to play one of the three sisters, with Queen La and Sophie playing the other two. Even more spectacular is Gina Prince-Bythewood (Love & Basketball) is directing from her own script. LOVE IT!!!!! Of course that lil pale white girl Dakota Fanning is in talks to be the star....Why come KeKe Palmer can't be the girl and keep it straight up black and fabulous? I guess I should be happy that er'ebody else is of color. Anyway, shooting is scheduled to start in January 2008 with a possible 2008 release. I most certainly will be in a seat when this comes out! And speaking of Gina Prince-Bythewood, word has it she has also been tapped to adapt a screenplay and direct "This Much I Know Is True"....that great book that was written by Wally Lamb (I read it cuz Oprah told me too and it was soooooo good) about the house painter who has a schizophrenic twin brother. Big things Gina! I love it!!!

Is Someone Spiking the Coke?

I'm bored...it happens. There really isn't anything I feel like talking bout today....but then I thought I would entertain myself by laughing at white people. I mean is it just me or are white people buggin this week (well not just this week but.....)? First, the Lunch Lady from "Survivor" lies about being demoted to being a janitor at her school when she was really actually promoted to being a janitor and then straight up took 50Gs from the producers of the show cuz they felt sorry for her. She has since apologized for lying and went on The Early Show to donate the 50K to an AIDS charity. This bitch don't look like she do nothing else but eat coochie and clean toilets. Next, Lily Allen can't wait to tell everybody she's pregnant with some dude she's been fuckin since September but refuses to stop smoking. Nice Lily. You and your mentally challenged asthmatic baby are gonna have fun times! Next Amy CrackHouse gets arrested.....didn't care to read why. I'm sure its cuz she thinks it will help her be reunited with her husband who is currently locked up for whatever reason. Then Britters. Oh dear Britters. She learns her lil sister is a ho' and knocked up the same time we all did. She decides to just go shopping. She also decides that she wants her children tested for drugs because she thinks Kevin (the daddy) is smokin' weed around them. This from the bitch who was breastfeeding while drunk and high on anything white, poppable, smokeable and sniffable. Sheee-itney, just why? I could go on...but I won't. That's all.

HA! Destiny's Child Reuniting???

Ummmmm, Kelly Ro. Just cuz you was the first choir to get kicked off that make a choir show and cuz you can't seem to get your shizz together doesn't mean DC needs to be reuniting. Kelly said: "This current spate of reunions has given us ideas. Despite what people say we are all still really close. "A couple of weeks ago Beyonce did a show in Los Angeles and asked me and Michelle to join her on stage to sing 'Survivor'. The emotion was incredible and it felt so good to be back up there with the girls again. "It was a real tear-jerker. The fans were crying and going nuts. It was magical. I'd definitely like us to do more stuff like that." First of all, lemme find out Yonce is jealous the Spice Girls getting all the attention. And C) Of course you would like to do more stuff like that....the only time people care about you is when you are standing next to Yonce. Not to mention, she didn't really have you come and "sing" Survivor with her....she had ya'll come out and see how fast you could say Survivor three times. But as long as you got paid for that....and really boo, fans were crying cuz ya'll were on stage for 2.7 seconds? Mkay. And then from what I heard, Michelle is trying to pop off as an R& B singer (you know as opposed to doin the gospel thing and cuz for some reason she thinks people really want to hear that....and I thought you were clueless) and well, we know what Yonce's been up to. Kelly Ro, I told you to find a job doin something else. Like maybe you can sing theme songs to cartoons...you know how ya'll did for the Proud Family. Be creative girl. Maybe try being a contestant on America's Next Top Model. Girl you know you would win AND I damn sure would vote for you to be cover girl of the week every week! But for real, if I were you, I would find a man (one sittin on more stacks than you are, of course) and just do nothing. That sounds like fun livin' to me and then when Yonce needs you to show your face right quick, make sure she cuts your check, smile and nod, then keep it movin. Sounds like fun times to me. You know I love you Kelly Ro. Continued luck with that.

Just For Giggles

How? Why? Where?

In White People News....

So you've all heard. Jamie-Lynn Spears, Shitney Spears' little sister, is 16 years old and preggers. Boring. This little girl went and got pregnant on purpose because she saw that having a baby is how you get attention. No one paid attention to that one, no one was talking about that one, but today EVERYBODY and their mother is talkin bout this lil heffa. This one had the chance to surpass her sister success wise. She was supposed to learn what NOT to do from her. And their mother had the nerve to be writing a parenting book -- that shit has been put on hold indefinitely. Interesting. Well whatever, now you will be a teenage mother and you and your mental case of a sister can be happy unfit parents together. Fun times. Enjoy.

This is How the Media Fucks With You!!!

First of all, the article is entitled: "Obama coming between Oprah and Stedman?" Are you fucking kidding me? So you are going to blame Oprah's decision to support her choice for president of this godforsaken country as the possible reason her relationship may or may not be working out? Like before you even read anything else, this has nothing to do with Oprah and Stedman and everything else to do with the media trying to find every reason to make the Black man look bad. As per fuckin usual. Then let's move on to the fact that this article which is being run by MSNBC.com, is getting its information from the National Muthafuckin Enquirer!!!! Really???? Like seriously, where is the journalistic integrity?! It says: "Concerned that Oprah no longer finds him interesting, Stedman admitted he felt “very jealous of her relationship with Barack Obama. It seemed to him as though she was always pushing him away, posing with other powerful men and ignoring him.” All you can do is laugh at this sad shit. Like really, Stedman, who has been tappin one of the richest woman in the world forever is really jealous of her "relationship" with Barack. Notice how they try to put words like "relationship" in there to make you think that there is no way Oprah would be supporting this black man if he wasn't fuckin her. I hate this country. In every shape, form and facet. I hate this fuckin country. Global Warming take me away. Please.

Aw Hell To Da Naw!

EXTRA UPDATE: Yup, story is a WOMP WOMP. OC Weekly has confirmed it was a jokey jokey....funny though, why was it so easy for us to believe that Weezy would be bangin' lil white boys who has bangs? I mean, I tried real hard not to but there was something that said I wouldn't put it pass this Mo'fo....either way, joke or not, not a good look for you Weezy. UPDATE: See, just as I thought....PerezHilton got an email from the editor of OC weekly that says: “I just wanted to clarify that the Zac Efron and Lil’ Wayne story is purely fictional and is simply intended as a joke (and a hysterical one at that).” We'll see if the publication makes a public statement.....I knew this was a womp womp. It was just too ree-fluffin-dick-ulous. Why Weezy??? Why??? I've been reading about this waiting to get the womp womp, this shit is fake.....even though the publication who published the story is absolutely real and not like a bullshit ass MediaTakeOut (I'm still pissed they got me on the Queen La getting married story...jackasses.). So what am I talking about....well in case you haven't heard, Lil Wayne is booed up with Zac Effron....the lil tranny white boy from High School Musical. Why Weezy???? I mean of all little boys, that one? And more importantly, lil boys Weezy????!!!!! Well so here is the gist. Weezy has announced that he is going to rap on the remix of one of those High School Musical Party CDs. He says “Yup, I had to do that,” Wayne says with his trademark high-voltage smile, shortly after welcoming me into his Miami Beach mansion. “I’m trying to reach those suburban white kids like Kanye did.” Fine. Whatever. Here is where things take a turn inside the flaming closet. “Zac and me was both in San Francisco a few months ago for a comic book convention or something, and we met at an afterparty at some bar,” he says, pausing to break down pieces of pungent pot to roll into a joint. “To get away from these girls that was chasing him, he ducked into the bathroom and I followed him in there. I was like, ‘What’s crackin’, my brother from another mother?’” Ummmmmmmm, did he say he followed this lil white boy with a bang into the bathroom? I can only imagine what kind of toe tappin went on in there. Why Weezy???? Then....lordy B....then....the lil white boy comes up from the den....yes the lil white boy is staying wtih Wayne in his house....and then wait for it....prepare to throw up a lil in your mouth....“What’s up, my nigga?” Efron says, giving Wayne a pound, a hug, and then, to my astonishment, a full-on kiss, reminiscent of the one Wayne famously gave his surrogate father Baby last year. I don't understand. As I learned from his interview in VIBE, Weezy is mental and he has issues and he suffers from migraines which could possibly be attributed to his "genius"....but really???? Ducking into bathrooms with lil white boys and kissing them on the mouth and letting him hit you with the "what's up, my nigga"?! I quit. I can't. And this is the guy who says "no homo" after sentence. I'm done. Should you want to read the rest of this article click: No Homo

In White People News....Papa Joe is Po'!

Is this shit not hilariously sad?! Joe said we gonna make it do wut it do! First of all, this bullshit movie is going to strait to DVD with a quick stop in a few theaters in Texas (supposedly). Secondly, Papa Joe, (why are all harasser Daddy managers named Joe...or Matthew?) Jessica's daddy's bullshit ass production company which is behind all of Jessica's shiteous films, cannot even afford to give his daughter and star a photo shoot to promote the DVD! "Papa Joe Productions is currently unable to finance a real photo shoot for its newest feature, Major Movie Star, so an image of the film’s lead, Jessica Simpson, was borrowed from an old GQ. And insiders are saying Major – like Jessica’s other recent movie, Blonde Ambition – is headed straight to DVD." I guess this is what happens when your Daddy is a pastor turned money fiend who uses his daughter to sell her marriage, her boobs, her wack ass music, and her stupidity. Oh wellz!

Just For Giggles.....

So as I mentioned previously, Jamie Foxx did indeed get his 40th birthday on....later on in the evening he actually put a Saturday Night Fever suit on and hit up some spot for more celebration....but that is actually neither here nor there....what is of importance here is who is that Grimace looking chubster in the background with her mouth open with blue frosting (or something) all on her tongue and on the sides of her mouth looking at Jamie like he stole her cake when she know she just finished eating a slice bigger than his? Elle, is this the sister who may have a touch of the downs?

Just Why????

Michael's face is literally being held together by band-aids....or are those post-its? Why???? First of all, why are they all by the mouth area? OMG what if he has super bug on his mouth like Jack on Project Runway? I would think the last thing he would want to do is just be strolling Barnes & Nobles. When he dies I hope he is donating his body to science. I really would like to know how someone can literally change their skin color, re-size, format, pop 'n' lock, insert, and slice and dice every part of their body....and still be alive and functioning and people can still touch you. Oh Michael...stop the love you save boo.

So Jamie Gets His 40th B-Day On...

Hmmmmmm....how you doin Jamie? That drink looks real pink and fruity. That wrist is lookin real....we'll just say "bendy".....and at 40 years old, when does surrounding yourself with loser ho bitches (as a possible charade) get wack, old, and corny as all hizzell? Like when do you actually start to become unpredictable? Just wondering. But um, Happy Birthday Jamie!

Big Willie Smashin Box Office Records....

And laughing all the way to the bank. Will Smith's movie I Am Legend done made $76.5 million dollars in one weekend. This is the largest December opening EVER, not to mention, people don't have money and the weather was horrible pretty much everywhere (at least in the MidWest and NorthEast). But here is the thing.....that movie was um, well, interesting. And I'll leave it at that. Point is, this movie beat Lord of the Rings....Lord of the Fluffin Rings ya'll! AND the movie was of course produced by Will's production company....he's sittin on reediculous paper. You better go boy!

ANTM: As I Knew....

CONGRATULATIONS SALEISHA!!!!!

Top Reasons Why Getting Banged Out Regularly Is Good For You...

Now if you read inaword....fab daily, like I do, then you would have learned from Elle all about the six steps to looking younger. Now that you know how to stay looking young, that should help you stay with a man or woman or both (I know how you bitches do...snaps for all my kids!). And once you got your man, woman, or for you fuglies its called Grey Goose...lots of it. Have them drink a liter and they'll be eatin your kitten all night. This is what I hear. Anyhoooo once you with whoever, having sex weekly (I say daily but mkay) is not only fun and necessary....its HEALTHY! Say it isn't so: 1. It Fights Colds and Flu. Sexual intercourse once or twice a week raises the body's level of the immune-boosting antibody immunoglobin A by a third, according to research at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania. Say word? All you have to do is get doonked in your booty weekly and you can do away with taking your Vitamin C pills! 2. It's a Beauty Treatment. In a study at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland, a panel of judges viewed participants through a one-way mirror and guessed their ages. Those who looked seven to 12 years younger than their age (labeled "superyoung") were also enjoying lots of sex—four times a week, on average. OK, maybe they were having so much fun because they looked young. But it's likely the sex was helping, researchers say. One reason is that it raises a woman's estrogen level, which helps make hair shiny and skin supple. No wonder fugly bitches stay fugly. I bet Chudney ain't seen a dick in her life. 3. It Burns Calories. A little over four calories a minute, or the equivalent of four Hershey's kisses in a half hour of love. Think of it as part of your weekly exercise regime, and burn, baby, burn. I think we all knew this....but its always good to be reminded that fuckin is way more fun than spin class! 4. Yes, Honey, I Have a Headache. For a woman a migraine might actually be a reason for making love rather than avoiding intercourse: the increase in endorphins and corticosteroids during arousal and orgasm is analgesic. See, now all you bitches have a reason to have your kids and your man get on your nerves! He can piss you off then make it all better. Gotta love it! 5. It Promotes Regular Menstrual Cycles. A series of studies by behavioral endocrinologist Winnifred Cutler and colleagues at Columbia and Stanford universities found that women who have intercourse at least weekly (except during their period) cycle more regularly than abstainers or the sporadically active. (Related research found that lesbian lovemaking also smoothes out menstrual cycles.) Cutler argues that intimacy is essential, not orgasms: "Regular exposure to a loving partner has extraordinary effects on health and well-being." Thanks but um, my pill keeps my shit extra regular. Starts on a Tuesday....always. 6. It Can Prevent Accidents. Women use the muscles of the pelvic floor to stem the flow of urine. As they age, they need to keep these strong to avoid peeing accidentally. The same muscles are exercised during intercourse, and as with all muscle-building programs, the benefits require consistency. Ok so those of you who pee on yourselves....maybe if you get some ass in your life, you can do away with the adult diapers. Handle it! From Newsweek!

Dear Pauletta....

I know that Denzel don't really have to make an effort to be hot. He just is. I know you knew him way back before he got his teeth fixed and I think had to do a round or two of Proactiv...and I know he just threw on a regula schmegula shirt and some jeans and rolled to his own premier not givin a fluff....but he's Denzel....he can do that boo. Now I won't even be like some of these other hater bitches and say some silly shit like, you must suck a mean dick and that's how you got your man....I won't even go there with it. I happen to love the fact that Denzel is with an average lookin dark chocolate woman...it gives those fugly/average bitches out there hope. Not to mention it shows all of us that a man of Denzel stature, fineness, and all that good stuff can find beauty, intelligence, elegance and all that good stuff and it doesn't have to come in a light skinnd-ed or body needs to be ree-diculously bangin' or hair needs to be down her back package. But Pauletta I am going to say this.....how dare you roll up to your man's premiere wearing a fuckin bedspread with a pillow sham for a fuckin jacket?!!! And burgundy and made of that polyester scratchy shiny material. What is your problem?! Your hair and face look great. It's everything from the neck below that I am having trouble with. Like I said, Denzel doesn't have to make any effort....but you do boo boo. You do. I know you have a stylist and you best fire that bitch imm-ed-jet-ly! And if you are styling your self, well then shee-it...that explains everything and you need to stop A fuckin Sap. Ya heard me Pauletta?! Now take your lucky ass home, burn that shit, and do what we all wish we could.....carry on darling. Carry on. Luv ya like Lil Kim loves her plastic surgeon boo! F.U.

Black Women Are Ageless and HOT!

Essence Magazine is featuring their 2008 Ageless Beauties and the women that they have selected range in age from 34-72 and they each discuss what they believe keeps them ageless and beautious. I just had to show my faves! Denise is my favorite! She's 50 and she's makin it rain on dez youngins! Her body is bangin' (In the actual magazine you get a full pic and can see her whole body -- off the chain), her hair is fab, her face is gorgeous, and she can pass for 35. She lives in a house with like mad acres of land and mowing the lawn is her favorite activity. It takes her 8 hours (4 for the front and 4 for the back) and she loves it. She says her husband has never mowed the lawn -- but he's a gourmet chef so she never goes in the kitchen. You better work Denise! Aleta is a chocolate stunna! Her skin is flawless. At 53, she's a goddess. Millicent is 57 and I love her curly do' and um, are her chi-chis lookin better than yours? I bet they are. I know that's right Milli! Evancia is 72. Nuff said.

In Utterly Gorgeous People News and Movie Premiers....

At the premiers for both "I Am Legend" and "The Great Debaters" beautiful black people were out and about... Will was his usual clean cut and dapper sexy self. Jada was just fierce! I friggin love her dress, her hair, her face....stunning. And da kids....Willow and Jaden are just ree-diculously cute. Like its almost not fair that an entire family can be this fluffin hot! So at the Great Debaters you know Oprah and Denzel were there stuntin'... That's right O....life is fuckin good huh? I thought J. Hud looked cute. Very much lookin forward to seein' and listenin' to all she's been working on. And hold the presses....do ya'll remember lil Journee Smollett? Lil Journee...she was the cute lil girl in Eve's Bayou and her family had a show (cuz you know its like 10 of them and all their names being with a J)? Well Journee ain't lil no more....she's grown and gorgeous. Killin' em' softly Journee. Loves it!

Congrats To Big Willie!

Not only did Will get to cement his handprints outside of Grauman’s Chinese Theater BUT he has also pledged his support to Barack Obama! Per Access Hollywood he said: “I’m not politically savvy as far as what to do, when to do it and how, so essentially I said, ‘I’m here. I support you and you let me know what you need,’ ” Smith revealed of his chat with Obama. I thought I already loved-ed him! And look at Willow and Jaden...gorgeous.

Midget Mac is That You?

He's like a tic tac with a wavy lace front.